Uncle Josh Weathersbys Punkin Centre Stories | Page 8

round to see what they wuz a laffin' at, and it wan't no
man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax figger. I never felt so durned
foolish since the day I popped the question to Samantha. Wall then I
looked round a spell longer, and thar wuz a feller what they called the
human pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of needles and pins
and looked like a hedge hog; he'd be a mighty handy feller at a quiltin'.
Wall, then a feller cum along and sed, "everybody over to this end of
the hall." Wall, I went along with the rest of them, and durn my buttins
if thar wa'nt a feller what had more picters painted on him than thar is
in a story book. Wall, I'd jist got to lookin' at him when that feller what
had charge sed, "right this way everybody," and we all went into whar
they wuz havin' the theater doins', and I got sot down and a feller cum
out and sung a song I hadn't heered since I wuz a youngster. Neer as I
kin remember it wuz this way--
Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year, And I cum
within one of not bein' here, The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember,
It happened some time 'bout last December. Li too ra loo ri too ra loo ri
too ra loo la ri do.
The load was composed of both girls and boys, All tryin' to outdo the
other in noise. And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather Wuz
settin' all up spoon fashion together. Li too ra loo ri too ra loo ri too ra
loo ri li do.
Wall, they had a parrit in that place and the way he sputtered and
jabbered and talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself. Wall, I
bought one of them birds from a feller one time--he said it wuz a good
talker. Wall, I took it hum and hed it about three months, and it never
sed a durned word. I put in most of my spare time tryin' to git it to say
"Uncle Josh," but the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got mad at him
one day and throwed him out in the barn yard amongst the chickens,
and left him thar. Wall, when I went out the next mornin', I tell you thar
wuz a sight. Half of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of 'em wuz
skeered to death, and that durned parrit had a rooster by the neck up
agin the barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', and every time
he'd hit him he'd say, "Now you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say
Uncle Josh."

Uncle Josh in Wall Street
I USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a
whole lot about Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and
another, so I jist sed to myself--now Joshua, when you git down to New
York City, that's jist what you want to see. Wall, when I got to New
York, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned if I know
why they call it Wall street; it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked up
and down it bout an hour and a half, and I couldn't find any stock
exchange or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I couldn't see a pig
nor a cow, nor a sheep nor a calf, or anything else that looked like stock
to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman-- Mister, whar do they keep the
menagery down here. He sed "what menagery?" I sed the place whar
they've got all them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked at me as
though he thought I wuz crazy, and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum
along with me, guess I can show you what you want to see." Wall I
went along with him, and he took me up to some public institushun,
near as I could make out it wuz a loonytick asylem. Wall he took me
into a room about two akers and a half squar, and thar wuz about two
thousand of the crazyest men in thar I ever seen in all my life. The
minnit I sot eyes on them I knowed they wuz all crazy, and I'd hav to
umer them if I got out of thar alive. One feller wuz a standin' on the top
of a table with a lot of papers in his hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche
injin, and all the rest of them