Uncle Josh Weathersbys Punkin Centre Stories | Page 9

wuz tryin' to git at him. Finally I sed to
one of 'em-- Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that feller up thar
on the table? And he sed, "Wall he's got five thousand bushels of wheat
and we are tryin' to git it away from him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed
that I knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos nobody but a crazy
man would ever think he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his coat
and pants pockits. Wall when they wan't a looking I got out of thar, and
I felt mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a feller standin' on the front
steps; he had a sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent of
the institushun; he talked purty sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what time
does the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust one went about
twenty-five years ago." I sed to him--is that my car over thar? He sed
"no sir, that car belongs to the street car company." I sez, wall guess I'll
take it anyhow. He says "you'd better not, thar's bin a good many cars

missed around here lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is thar
anything round here any fresher than you be? He sed, "yes, sir, that
bench you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they painted it about ten
minnits ago." Wall, I got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't right.

Uncle Josh and the Fire Department
ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter home. Wall after I'd got it
all writ, I sed to the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts in New
York do you keep the post offis? And he sed, "what do you want with
the post offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home to mother and
Samantha Ann, and I'd like to go to the post offis and mail it. And he
told me "you don't have to go to the post offis, do you see that little box
on the post thar on the corner?" I alowed as how I did. Wall he says,
"You jist go out thar and put your letter in that box, and it will go right
to the post offis." I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't that handy. Wall I
went out thar, and I had a good deal of trouble in gittin' the box open,
and when I did git it open, thar wan't any place to put my letter, thar
wuz a lot of notes and hooks and hinges, and a lot of readin,' it sed--
"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob," or somethin, like that, I
couldn't jist rightly make it out. Wall I yanked on that hook 'till I tho't
I'd pull it out by the roots, but I couldn't git the durned thing open, then
I turned on the knob two or three times, and that didn't do any good, so
I pulled on the hook and turned on the knob at the same time, and jist
then I think all the fire bells in New York commenced to ringin' all to
onct. Wall I looked round to see whar the fire wuz, and a lot of fire
ingines and hook and ladder wagons cum a gallopin' up to whar I stood,
and they had a big sody water bottle on wheels, and it busted and
squirted sody water all over me. Wall one of them fire fellers, lookin'
jist like I'd seen them in picters in Ezra Hoskin's insurance papers, he
cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he sed "what are you tryin' to do
with that box?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home, and I wuz a
tryin' to mail it. He sed "why you durned old green horn, you've called
out the hull fire department of New York City." Wall I guess you could
have knocked me down with a feather. I sed-- wall you'r a purty healthy
lookin' lot of fellers, it won't hurt ye any to go back, will it? Wall he
sed, "thars your letter box over on thother corner, now you let this box
alone." Wall they all drove away, and I went over to the other box, but I

didn't know whether to touch it or not, I didn't know but maybe I'd call
out the state legislater if I opened it. Wall while I wuz a standin' thar a
feller cum along and looked all round, and when he thot thar wan't any
body watchin' him, he opened that box and commenced takin' the
letters out. Wall I'd heered a whole lot 'bout them post offis