Uncle Josh Weathersbys Punkin Centre Stories | Page 5

new collar button that I traded Si
Pettingill a huskin' peg fer, and I got my right boot on my left foot and
the left one on the right foot, and I wuz so durned badly mixed up I
didn't know which way the train wuz a runnin', and I bumped my head
on the roof of the bed over me, and then sot down right suddin like to
think it over when some feller cum along and stepped right squar on
my bunion and I let out a war whoop you could a heerd over in the next
county. Wall, along cum that durned porter and told me I wuz a wakin'
up everybody in the keer. Then I started in to hunt fer my collar button,
cause I sot a right smart store by that button, thar warns another one
like it in Punkin Centre, and I thought it would be kind of doubtful if
they'd have any like it in New York, wall I see one stuck right in the
wall so I tried to git it out with my jack knife, when along came that
durned black jumpin' jack dressed in soldier clothes and ast me what I
wanted, and I told him I didn't want anything perticler, then he told me
to quit ringin' the bell, guess he wuz a little crazy, I didn't see no bell.
Wall, finally I got my clothes on and went into a room whar they had a
row of little troughs to wash in, and fast as I could pump water in the
durned thing it run out of a little hole in the bottom of the trough so I
jest had to grab a handful and then pump some more. Wall after that

things went along purty well fer a right smart while, then I et a snack
out of my carpet bag and felt purty good. Wall that train got to runnin'
slower and slower 'till it stopped at every house and when it cum to a
double house it stopped twice. I hed my ticket in my hat and I put my
head out of the window to look at suthin' when the wind blew my hat
off and I lost the durned old ticket, wall the conductor made me buy
another one. I hed to buy two tickets to ride once, but I fooled him, he
don't know a durned thing about it and when he finds it out he's goin to
be the maddest conductor on that railroad, I got a round trip ticket and I
ain't a goin' back on his durned old road. When I got off the ferry boat
down here I commenced to think I wuz about the best lookin' old feller
what ever cum to New York, thar wuz a lot of fellers down thar with
buggies and kerridges and one thing and another, and jest the minnit
they seen me they all commenced to holler-- handsome--handsome. I
didn't know I wuz so durned good lookin'. One feller tried to git my
carpet bag and another tried to git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to
stand back or durned if I wouldn't take a wrestle out of one or two of
them, then I asked one of 'em if he could haul me up to the
Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I never heered a feller stutter like that
feller did in all my life, he said ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said wall how
much air you a goin' to charge me, and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty
c-c-cents, and I sed wall I guess I'll ride with you, but don't stop to talk
about it any more cause I'd kinder like to git thar. Wall we started out
and when we stopped we wuz away up at the other end of the town
whar thar warn't many houses, and I sed to him, this here ain't the
Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed n-n-n-no n-s-s- n-no sir, I sed why didn't
you let me out at the hotel like I told ye, and he sed, b-b-b-be c-c-c
b-b-be cause I c-c-c-c-couldn't s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick
enough. Wall I hed a great time with that feller, but I got here at last.

Uncle Josh in Society
WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here to New York that I
wuz a goin to flop right into the middle of high toned society, but I
guess that's jist about what I done. You see I had an old friend a livin'
down here named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to see Henry mighty
bad. Henry and me, we wuz boys together down home at Punkin Centre,
and I hadn't seen him in a long time. Wall, I got a feller to