The Silly Syclopedia | Page 8

his beautifully imported voice kept
saying "Aha! aha-eo!
I-am-getting-one-thousand-dollars-a-night--tra-la-la- la!-aha!-aha-eo!
For-doing-this,--for-doing-this-with-the-pipes-I-get-one-
thousand-plunks-oh-plunks-per-night-aha!-aha-eo!"
Then the soprano responded with much emotion from the orchestra,
"Ditto, ditto, ditto! me too, me too! oo-oo-me too!"
It was delicious.
But just then came the bitter moment when all my deliciousness was
crushed because the narrow-headed man on my left switched softly into
"Hiawatha" with a few personal additions to the coda.
So I stood up and went home.

[Illustration: "H--It takes a real hero to laugh with an empty stomach."]
He laughs best who laughs with a full stomach.
How many people in this world are being coaxed when it's a club they
need!
Here are two things any man can find in the dark--a carpet tack and a
limburger sandwich.

"Handsome is as handsome does them"--the motto of the bunco steerer.
* * * * *
### H: The eighth letter of the alphabet, which is all broken up because
Englishmen have dropped it so often. (Get ap!) ###
* * * * *
HA! An exclamation of surprise used in connection with other dark
blue words when you step on a tack.
HA, HA! Something the world tries to give you on the slightest
provocation.
[Illustration]
HAIR. The fur that pays a temporary visit to a man's head for the
purpose of falling out later on.
HARD JOB. Trying to live without working.
HARD WORK. The sugar of life, but it is surprising how many people
prefer lemons.
HEALTH. The ability to eat meat for breakfast without having to rush
to the drugstore.
HEAT. A scheme invented by Nature for the purpose of sending human
beings to the seashore, the mountains and the hospital. It is from the
Latin words "_Gee Whizzibus Aintit Fierceibus?_"--which means
much or little, according to the size of the hotel you stop at.
HERO. A person whom we all delight to honor because the facts in the
case prevent us from throwing the hammer at him. A man who goes
into history and cannot get out again.
HIGHBALL. A drink in the hand which is worth two headache
powders in the drugstore.
HOG. A man who thinks everybody should move over and give him
the end seat.
HONESTY. The best policy after they catch you trying the others. The
excuse that a politician always has up his sleeve.
HOPE. A firm belief in to-morrow with the ability to take gracefully a
transfer to the day after to-morrow.
HORSE-SHOW. A place where the women show the horse that he has
no show. Society's parade grounds, where one dress is as good as
another until the price is known.
[Illustration]
HUSBAND. A domestic animal, invented for the purpose of giving a

wife something to worry about. See Fourflush. Also look in the discard.
HUMIDITY. Something which comes in through the window and goes
out through the pores. A warm proposition any way you take it. A
brother-in-law to Torture and a half-sister to Hades.
The word comes from the Swedish language, "Sockett Toodem," which
means "_Melt, you Spitzbuben, melt!_"
HYPOCRITE. A knocker which is out of order except when your back
is turned.

[Illustration: "I--When two people quarrel and smile at the same time,
the third person can go for the separation papers."]
It is a wise son that owes his own father.
It takes a lot of money to teach a Duke how to love an American
heiress.
If we could see ourselves as others see us many of us would wear a
mask.
It takes three people to engineer a quarrel--two to make it and one to
run for a policeman.
* * * * *
### I: The ninth letter of the alphabet. Used principally by touchers in
connection with O and U. Thus, I. O. U. ###
* * * * *
ICE. A substance the world uses to put a damper on swelled heads.
IGNORANCE. A lack of knowledge. For instance: The man who never
heard of a microbe sometimes has the colic, but he never gets
appendicitis. (Milton, page 7.)
IMPOSSIBILITY. A stuttering man trying to make a bluff.
[Illustration]
INCONGRUITY. A man who prays with such noise in Sunday School
that he sprains his voice and then goes home and beats his child for
talking too loud on the Sabbath day.
INDOLENT. A lazy man just before he becomes a loafer.
IRONY OF FATE. A man with an invitation to a beefsteak dinner who
has to stay home because his wife has acute indigestion.
INDIAN COMMISSIONER. The gentleman who invented the idea of
opening up barber shops near the Indian reservations, so that Lo could
get his hair clipped by a reaping machine once every year, whether he

needed it or not.
* * * * *
The idea of Marconi's wireless telegraph system