The Silly Syclopedia | Page 7

but you'll get a bill from the gas
company just the same_." (Shakespeare, page 9.)
GAS BILL. Something that comes in to put us out.
GAS METER. A bit of machinery invented by Ananias in order to
please Saphira and keep the household supplied with lies while the old
man was down in the grocery store.
GET-RICH-QUICK. An aquarium for suckers. A place where poor
people go to get poorer.
GEE-GEE. A horse by any other name will run as fast.
GENIAL. A guy that never was known to buy.
GENIUS. Something we have in our family--if you don't believe me,
come and hear our little boy recite.
[Illustration]
GENT. Two-thirds of a gentleman.
GENTLEMAN. A title which many a man claims because the public
hasn't time to prove him otherwise.
GERM. See microbes. In order to see microbes you'll have to get a
magnifying glass.
GOSH. A Yankee synonym for dad bust it! See _dag my buttons!_ See
any Reub.
GOSSIP. Something which a woman hears with one ear and tells with
both. A woman who can put two and two together and make five.
GOOD TIME. About $9 worth of headache next morning and eighteen
cents in small change left in the pocket.
GOURMAND. A man who delights to make his stomach feel like a
department store.
GRAND OPERA. A disease which breaks out in society every winter
and can be cured only by inward applications of a seat in a box and
outward applications of diamonds on the chest.
* * * * *
Bjingle Bjangle, the celebrated Norwegian raconteur, thus describes in

his book of travels a visit to the grand opera in New York, as follows:--
I went to the opera last night and enjoyed it unspeakably.
I noticed that most of the ladies in the boxes enjoyed it also, but not
unspeakably.
The ladies, Heaven bless them! seemed to be suffering from that
operatic disease which is called nervous conversation.
This is a disease which attacks the vocal chords just as soon as the
curtain rises and causes the voice to fall out.
I also enjoyed the names of the singers.
Some of the names on the programme looked like a round robin sent
out by a Turnverein bowling club, but I suppose if they were baked in
the oven until translated they would mean something soft and soothing
like a custard pudding.
Why is it that foreign singers and singerettes always have a name
which listens like a cuckoo clock with a sore throat.
Perhaps if we knew how to unlock them these names would mean just
plain Schmidt or Jones.
There was one singer on the programme that had the most extravagant
name I ever witnessed.
If you read it off quick it sounded like the finish of the six-day bicycle
race at the Madison Square Garden.
Then if you looked at it sideways it seemed to be the report of a
skirmish between the Russians and the Japs.
I think that fellow just waded into the alphabet with a dip net and all
the letters he caught he kept.
I liked the plot of the Opera.
[Illustration]
She was a blonde lady with one of those embonpoint faces which must
cost a good deal to keep in repair.
The hero was a young gentleman with a sweet expression and a
forehead which had moved into his hair when it was very young.
I don't know which was the villain, but I have my suspicions that it was
the usher who gave me a seat.
I was interpolated in between a fat man who spoke with an onion
accent and a narrow-headed man who whistled softly to himself all the
evening without taking 32 bars rest.
My enjoyment under these circumstances was delicious.

The story of the Opera was simple.
A lot of young ladies all ready to go in bathing changed their minds and
came out on the stage.
Then a tall gentleman came out and warbled at them and the young
ladies went away.
Perhaps he belonged to the crusaders on vice.
Then the lady that drew the largest salary came out and made goo-goo
eyes at the tall gentleman.
He was so embarrassed that he walked right down to the footlights and
took a couple of high notes.
She took the same.
Then four people came out on the stage and yelled together with so
much earnestness that the women in the boxes had an attack of nervous
exclamation, and the way they talked about whoever was not present
was pitiful.
When you would least expect it the hero jumped on the stage and made
some quick motions with his face and arms which resulted in a solo.
The story he told was simplicity itself.
Plainer than words could make it