The Silly Syclopedia | Page 9

pales into
insignificance before the idea of coaxing a wild Indian away from the
reservation and running the remorseless horse-clippers over the wild
foliage to which his head has been acclimated these many years.
This is a noble suggestion, and no doubt the Indians will take kindly to
the barbers and pay them much attention even if their tommyhawks and
scalping knives are a little dull at first.
In the dramatic language of the plains Biff Hawkins, of Spotted Dog,
Idaho, thus describes the opening of the first barber shop in the vicinity
of an Indian reservation:
"Hist!"
The speaker was the bootblack in one of those handsome hand-painted
barber shops which a loving government at Washington has placed at
intervals along the border of the Indian Reservation.
"What is it, Mike?" said Sniffles, the barber.
"Hist!"
Again that ominous word, and Mike pointed feverishly at the distant
horizon.
On it an Indian was walking, steadfastly, onward, onward, onward!
Remorseless as a gas bill the Indian came onward to the barber shop.
Sniffles, the barber, jumped quickly into his armor-plated working
clothes, and Mike, with a sad smile of farewell, crawled into the
cyclone cellar and closed the steel doors.
The Indian entered the barber shop.
"You are next!" said Sniffles, politely.
"I know it," said the Indian; "but I was put next only an hour
ago--hence the delay. The bay rum, please!"
"You want it for the hair?" inquired the barber.
"No, I want it for a souse," said the Indian.
"Get in the chair, please!" said the barber.
"Man-Behind-The-Snip-Snap speaks foolish," said the Indian. "I am
not for a hair cut; I am for that bay rum idea. Heap thirst! Don't keep
me waiting!"
The barber turned pale as the awful truth flashed across him.
"What is your name?" he said painfully.

"Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo," said the Indian, sullenly.
"Nice Indian! pretty Indian! good Indian! You are not compelled to get
your hair cut, you know!" said the barber, wishing to avoid bloodshed.
"Paleface give me heap pain," said Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo,
fiercely.
Sniffles, the barber, trembled and believed him.
"Ugh!" said the Indian.
"Ugh!" has the same meaning in Indian as the word "Oof!" has in
English.
"When I came in paleface said I was next," said
Man-Afraid-Of-A-Shampoo. "Well, I am next to this business. You
have bay rum and I have a thirst--let us get together!"
"But the bay rum is used only on the outside of the head," said the
barber.
"I have original ideas about bay rum," said the Indian, "therefore I have
decided to use it on the inside of my neck!"
"But bay rum is five cents extra with a hair cut," whispered the barber.
It was his last whisper in that shop.
Shouting the battle cry of the Cherokees, the Indian, grabbed the bay
rum bottle and poured it carefully over his thirst.
[Illustration]
This was followed by a bottle of hair tonic, which seemed to go to his
head.
Then the Indian swallowed a bottle of whisker dye and all seemed to
grow black before him.
The barber groaned in agony.
It was thrilling.
When last seen the Indian was drinking a bottle of dry shampoo and
foaming at the mouth, while he blessed the White Father at Washington
for inventing the barber shop.
That afternoon Sniffles, the barber, and Mike, his under secretary,
walked back to Washington and handed in their resignation to the
Interior Department.

[Illustration: "J--The Tip End of the season."]
Jolly not that you be not jollied.
Justice is blind for the reason that some lawyers would give her a pain

if she could see them.
Journeys end in porter tippings.
Just as you value yourself justly just that much are you valuable.
* * * * *
### J: The tenth letter of the alphabet, used almost exclusively to
designate a Reub with rubber in the neck--whatever that may be. ###
[Illustration: JAY]
* * * * *
JAG. See gold cure. If that hasn't any effect, see an undertaker.
JOCKEY. A hero or a slob--it all together depends on where the horse
finishes.
JOKE. Something that's extremely clever--when we make it ourselves.
[Illustration.]
JOLLY. Flattery with a smile on its face.
JOLT. The thing a man gets who thinks he knows it all.
JOY. Gladness with the lid off.
JUG. A place to keep the material before it becomes a jag.
JUDGMENT. An ability which some men get credit for having when in
reality they are merely lucky at guessing things.
JUSTICE. The name we give it when the verdict is the way we want it.

[Illustration: "K--A Small boy can spoil the most favorable
circumstance."]
Kisses go by favorable circumstances.
Kidders are as happy as kids till somebody kids them.
Keep a stiff upper lip--especially when you're