The Silly Syclopedia | Page 5

to my cousin in Springfield, Mass., for a souvenir."
"I will help your cousin to stop smoking," said the man, putting the
pipe in his pocket. "Aha! what is this?"
The Secretary blushed his face.
"What is this?"
"That is my pair of pajamas!" said the Secretary.
"Pajamas?"
"Put them back, please?" said the Secretary. "A man's pajamas are not
for the vulgar gaze of the world!"
"Pajamas!" said the man.
"My pajamas!" said the Secretary.
"They look like a Chinaman's Sunday trousers--yes?"
The Secretary looked into the pitiless faces of the multitude which was
gazing into his trunk, but they handed him nothing save small bunches
of laughter.
"Come!" said the man, "where is the Chink that goes with this wearing
apparel? Did you hear over the wireless system about the labor strikes
and try to smuggle in some cheap labor?"
"I assure you that I wear those pajamas myself!" said the Secretary,
interrupting a sob in his throat.
"You wear these pajamas? When? Why? Where?"
"In the secrecy of my boudoir," said the Secretary.
"Aha!" said the man, "so you have some boudoir, too! Bad business!
bad business! I have never heard of a Boudoir Trust, therefore, we do
not make such a thing in this country. My suspicions are getting louder.
What is in this bottle?"
"That is my cough medicine," said the Secretary, giving a sample of the
cough.
"It may be wine or cream de mint because your voice sounds nervous."
"I am nervous because the world is still giggling at my pajamas," said
the Secretary.
"Back to the pajamas! Bad business! bad business! I will have to dig a
tunnel through your neckties to see if you have a cafe au lait or a cafe
chanteuse in the trunk. When a man gets nervous it is always wise to
watch him. Open your mouth!"
The Secretary did so.

"What have you been drinking?"
"A vermouth cocktail," said the Secretary.
"Domestic or imported?"
"Neither; the Captain treated," said the Secretary.
"It looks to me much like foreign spirits," said the man.
"Do you wish to open me further and see?" inquired the Secretary.
Then the man waded into the Secretary's other trunks, two-stepped over
his negligee shirts, waltzed through his waist-coats and did a polka
amidst the ruins of his dress suit.
"What is the verdict?" said the Secretary after the battle was over.
"Not guilty, but you might be," said the man, smiling briefly.
As the Secretary walked out the Stars and Stripes seemed to bow
politely at him and whisper with a voice slightly sarcastic: "You for the
seat away back!"
"Some day," said the Secretary, "I will jump into politics so far that my
trunk will always be a dark secret to the Custom Housers!"
And he did it.
From the life of the Secretary we learn the lesson that there is much
Liberty in this country, but, incidentally, there are a couple of bald
spots where it is missing.
If you don't believe me come home from Europe some day by way of
the Custom House.

[Illustration: "D--Sometimes an old fool gets away with a good thing."]
Do you know that a wise man can sometimes be a fool and get away
with it?
Don't go among doers if you don't want to be did.
Duty calls and finds most men holding nothing but a four-flush.
Don't try to be a stinger if you don't want to get stung.
* * * * *
### D: The letter of the alphabet which always runs fourth. ###
* * * * *
DAISY. A twin sister to a peach. See Dream.
DAM. A species of floodgates. By adding the letter "n" the floodgates
are loosened.
DAMSEL. See Daisy.
DARLING. See your best girl.

DAFFY. See a doctor.
[Illustration]
DAWN. The cold, gray period immediately following a red-hot night.
DELUDE. To take your wife by the hand and lead her away from the
truth.
[Illustration]
DELUSION. Something which every man likes to hug--especially if
she's pretty.
DESTINY. Something which laughs at those who never say die.
DESCRIBE. To give an account of. For instance, one woman giving a
description of another woman's wearing apparel--oh, fudge!
DOGS OF WAR. Animals that live on bones of contention.
DRUNKARDS. The monuments which whiskey erects all along the
road to ruin.
DUST. The material from which man is made and that is the reason
why woman sweeps all before her.

[Illustration: "E--And when she marries her fourth husband its a great
deal."]
Everybody knows that money talks, but nobody notices what kind of
grammar it uses.
Evil be to him who evil drinketh.
Every woman loves an ideal man until she marries him--then it's a new
deal.
Every time you stop and stare at Success it gets