The Silly Syclopedia | Page 4

lives.
It also confirmed M. Stepupski, because he has been strangely absent
ever since together with a stained-glass window and a lot of new
furniture.
Take my advice, Tolstoi, and don't be a royalty.
I say this as one friend to another and not because I have to wear
copper-fastened pajamas.
I don't mind the copper-fastened pajamas so much, but to wear asphalt
neckties and barb-wire suspenders is something which aggravates the
spirit.
At 8 A.M. this morning M. Cornmealski, the Minister of the
Department of Armored Breakfasts, reported that he had discovered
something suspicious in the dish of peeled prunes.
We examined the prunes carefully and found them stuffed with free
tickets to ride on the Brooklyn Elevated Railroad. We burned the

tickets hastily and saved our lives again.
M. Cornmealski reports that up to date 219 different breakfast foods
have been received at the palace kitchen. He says they range all the
way from consolidated shavings to perforated sawdust, with here and
there some compressed knot-holes.
In a mad moment yesterday I took the Yale lock off my appetite and
ordered up one of those breakfast food samples, but just as I had the
spoonful at my lips I remembered the prayer of my youth: "Woodman,
spare that tree!" and once more my life was saved.
Ten minutes ago M. Blackandblueski, the Minister of the Department
of Witch Hazel, rushed into my bulkhead compartment.
"Oxcooski, Your Majesty," said the Minister, "but this morning the
cookski was burning a few links of sausage for breakfast. Well, Your
Majesty, about two minutes afterwards the cookski and the stove and
one side of the palace left in a hurry and went away in a northwesterly
direction. We don't expect them back, because the sausage was stuffed
with rapid transit material, Your Majesty!"
Thus it goes all day. Don't you think it is pretty hard lines when I have
to make them wash the water on both sides before putting it in the
teapot?
Now I must stop because I hear the humming of the harpoons on the
outside. My officers are talking about me again. Farewellski!
* * * * *
CUSTOMS INSPECTOR. An individual who gets a salary for
believing that everybody on the steamboat is a smuggler.
* * * * *
In order to study briefly the Custom House system as applied to
returning travellers let us witness the arrival from abroad of the
Secretary of the Treasury.
Some years before the Secretary went into politics deep enough to stay
there and make expenses he took a slight trip to Europe.
Two weeks later he was on his way home to his beloved land on the
good ship "Kaiser Wilhelm, the Grocer."
The Stars and Stripes seemed to wave a welcome to him as he
approached the hospitable shores of Fire Island.
"It is good, so good to breathe once more the air of Liberty!" said the
Secretary, and ten minutes later the "Kaiser Wilhelm, the Grocer" was

at her dock.
"Ah! how happy I am to be once more where Freedom reigns!" said the
Secretary as he walked proudly down the gangway plank.
"Wait!"
The speaker was a short-set man with a thick face and a wide voice.
The Secretary paled his cheeks.
"Who are you?"
"I am an American citizen; leave me pass!" exclaimed the Secretary.
"So am I," said the man with a thick face; "and nothing passes me. You
have been to Europe, have you not?"
"Do you think I used the 'Kaiser Wilhelm the Grocer' to come from
Staten Island?" asked the Secretary.
The man laughed, loosely.
"Swear!" he said.
"At you?" inquired the Secretary.
"Swear you are not a smuggler," said the roan.
"I ought to kick you for such an insult," said the Secretary.
"Business before pleasure," said the man; "swear that you are not a
robber."
"I swear," said the Secretary; "inwardly, outwardly, earnestly and
pictorially, I swear!"
"By the memory of George Washington you swear that you are not a
smugglesome man?"
"I do," said the Secretary.
"Hold up both hands and swear!"
The Secretary did so.
"With both hands behind your back and your eyes fixed on the
Declaration of Independence sign this sworn statement," said the man.
The Secretary did so.
"Now that you have sworn I will go through your trunks to see if you
are a liar!" said the man.
"Surely, you should receive one of my best kicks," said the Secretary.
"Formality first, fun later," said the man, upsetting the largest trunk.
"Aha! what is this?"
"It is a pair of open-work socks," said the Secretary.
"Opened in Europe--yes? Bad business! bad business! I begin to
suspect you. What is this?"

"That is a pipe which I bought in Baden-Baden," said the Secretary. "I
am taking it