The Silly Syclopedia | Page 3

butcher."
[Illustration]
BAR. A place where men go to get a thirst so that they can go there
again to quench their thirst.
BEETHOVEN'S SONATA. An excuse some women use for beating
the face off a piano.
BIGAMIST. A man that adds one and has two to carry.
BLONDE. An abbreviation of peroxide of hydrogen.
BREEZE. A condition in the atmosphere which generally arises on a
cold day, to make it colder and stays away on a hot day to make it
warmer.
It is supposed to inhabit the windows, but when you look for it on a
Summer night all you can see is the "gent" next door chaperoning the
growler.
BUNDLE. A load of preserves. From the Norwegian bun, meaning
high tide. "Yesterday he annexed a bundle and this morning he sits on
the front steps singing soft lullabies to a hold-over." (Shakespeare, page
18.)

[Illustration: "C--Coogan thinking about home."]
Charity begins at home and ruins its health by staying there too much.
Children who are wayward grow up to be the people who fall by the
wayside.
Coogan says there is no place like home--and he congratulates the other
places.
Consistency is a jewel, but it isn't fashionable to wear it.
* * * * *
### C: The third letter of the alphabet. It is also used in music,
especially by prima donnas who try to reach it and fall flat. ###
* * * * *
CAB. A machine invented for the purpose of going somewhere, but
which seldom gets there. An inland tugboat.
[Illustration]
CAD. A shine with an extra polish on.
CALAMITY. A loud-mouthed individual who insists upon telling stale
jokes.
CASH. The stuff we work for, work other people for and are worked

for. Synonyms: Bones, Cash, Coin, Dough, Ducats, Long-green,
Mazuma, and 1,000 others.
CHARITY. Something which begins at home and stays at home every
day except Sunday, when it goes to church to talk about itself.
CINCH. When a man starts out with a bundle of money and a bundle of
booze it's a cinch that he drops the money first.
COLD FEET. A punishment for those that stand around and wait for
dead men's shoes.
COMPLIMENTS. Things which some people fish for hard enough to
catch a sea-serpent.
CONFIDENCE MAN. The noblest work of fraud.
CONCLUSION. Something a woman jumps at in the same manner in
which she jumps off a street car--which is backwards.
CONSCIENCE. The alarm clock on a man's mind which is seldom
wound up.
CONSISTENCY. A jewel which isn't appreciated as a Christmas
present.
CONTENTMENT. A large, open-faced gentleman telling his friends
how he self-made himself.
COPPER-FASTENED CINCH. A good-looking widow who has made
up her mind to marry again.
COURTSHIP. Love's excursion boat just before it strikes the rough sea
of matrimony.
CROOK. A man who says nobody is straight.
[Illustration]
COOK. Something which makes up her mind to stay in the kitchen and
then loses her mind. A product of modern society who has for her
motto "Dimuendo contralto dumdum," which means, "She who cooks
and runs away will live to cook another day."
CROW. A bird politicians would eat after election if they were not so
busy drinking.
[Illustration]
CZAR. An illustration of the old proverb, "Uneasy lies the King when
falls the Ace."
* * * * *
The following letter written by the Czar to Tolstoi probably illustrates
better than any other document the pleasant and health-giving

conditions under which the Czar lives and reigns:--
In The Cellar, To-day.
Dear Tolsey:--My hands tremble a little in the armor-plated gloves, so
you must excuse bad spelling.
They have just handed me a small bunch of asbestos writing paper, and
the fountain pen has been sterilized to remove the poison, so I will
write you.
Great Scottovitch! you can never enjoy the feeling of anxiety which
gallops over me when I wake in the morning and wonder will the
hard-boiled eggs explode before I eat my breakfast.
At six o'clock this morning I was awakened by a scratching noise on
the iron quilt which covers my repose. A cold perspiration broke out on
my forehead. I buried my head in the hardwood pillows and waited the
end. Just then M. Stepupski, the Minister of the Department of Bum
Shells, walked in through the secret tunnel in the wall.
I threw the aluminum blanket off my face and cried: "What is it? What
is it?"
"Pardonoviski, Your Majesty," said M. Stepupski, "it is the cat!
Whether it is a trained cat carrying a deadly bombshell in the forward
turret, I don't know, but we will investigationiski at once."
My minister coaxed the cat away and five minutes later a loud
explosion confirmed M. Stepupski's theory that the cat's bosom
contained something more than nine