The New Pun Book | Page 7

sad, Bill?"
"Oh, I am troubled with dyspepsia."
"How can that be?"
"I got licked at school 'cause I couldn't spell it."
* * * * *
MRS. LIMBERCHIN--I was so mad last night I couldn't speak.
MR. L.--And I was away! Just my luck!
* * * * *
--"That Jersey murderer was clever to get off as he did, wasn't he?"
--"What was his plea--insanity?"
--"No, malaria."
* * * * *
"I've been married five years, and I've got a bushel of children."
"How's that?"

"My name is Peck. I've got four children. Don't four pecks make a
bushel?"
* * * * *
The weary desert stretched for miles. Stretched for sheer weariness.
Not a drop of water was in sight.
Then it was that the traveler had an inspiration.
He wrung his hands.
* * * * *
"Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again."
"Why?"
"Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons."
* * * * *
ASKIT-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take?
TELLIT-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance on a cake of
soap at the head of the stairs.
* * * * *
"There is but one thing," said the professor of medicine, gravely, "that
we know about death."
"And that is, sir?" queried the student.
"It is always fatal."
* * * * *
"Did you hear about Miss Jones?"

"No. What's up?"
"Why, she eloped with one of the boarders in the hotel."
"Oh, that was only a roomer!"
* * * * *
"When was money first invented?"
"I don't know. When was it?"
"When the dove brought the greenback to Noah."
* * * * *
"What a distinguished looking man."
"Yes, the last time I saw him he was on the bench."
"What, a judge?"
"No; a substitute ball-player."
* * * * *
HE--"Didn't you promise to love, honor and obey me?"
SHE--"Heaven only knows what I promised. I was listening to hear
what you promised."
* * * * *
THIN BOARDER--"I don't see how you manage to fare so well at this
boarding-house. I have industriously courted the landlady and all her
daughters, but I'm half-starved."
FAT BOARDER--"I court the cook."

* * * * *
"Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady?"
"Because it is never felt."
* * * * *
JONES--"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday."
SMITH--"You don't say so? Boy or girl?"
JONES--"Neither. It's my wife's mother."
* * * * *
DINER--"Hello! waiter, where is that ox-tail soup?"
WAITER--"Coming, sir--half a minute."
DINER--"Confound you! How slow you are."
WAITER--"Fault of the soup, sir. Ox-tail is always behind."
* * * * *
An Irishman was planting shade trees when a passing lady said:
"You're digging out the holes, are you, Mr. Haggerty?"
"No, mum. Oi'm diggin' out the dirt an' lavin' the holes."
* * * * *
Irish foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: "How many men is down in
that hole?"
Voice from the sewer: "Three, sorr."
Irish foreman: "Then lave half of yez cum up."

* * * * *
TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in
the war and can't work."
Woman-"Where was you shot?"
"In the spinal column, mum."
"Go 'way! There was no such battle."
* * * * *
"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?"
"Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the greatest show
on earth."
* * * * *
"Why do all bank cashiers run to Canada?"
"Give it up."
"Because that's the only place Toronto."
* * * * *
"Were you attached to the place?"
The actress laughed bitterly.
"I don't know what you'd call it," she rejoined. "The sheriff had all my
dresses except a Mother Hubbard."
* * * * *
"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and another guest
did the same, what would the latter's telephone number be?"

It would be "8-1-2."
* * * * *
An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't hold
his tongue he would break his impenetrable head, and let his brains out
of his empty skull.
* * * * *
PETERS--"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular
song?"
WINKLE--"Not I."
PETERS--"Heavens! How can you stand it?"
WINKLE-"I wrote the song."
* * * * *
I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest once
and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks.
Did you win?
No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever."
* * * * *
"What have you here?" asked the fresh young man of the waiter at