The New Pun Book | Page 8

a
first-class restaurant.
"Everything, sir."
"Everything?" sneeringly, "Have it served at once."
"Hash for one," yelled the waiter.

* * * * *
When we first dined at a cafe We feared they'd drop their trays, but
later We learned, somewhat to our dismay, It takes--as scores of men
will say-- A big "tip" to upset a waiter.
* * * * *
"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest.
"Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter.
* * * * *
Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he
cared for undressed kids.
* * * * *
MRS. TILFORD OF SOROSIS--"It must have taken Daniel Webster a
long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?"
TILFORD--"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?"
MRS. TILFORD (tartly)--"Now don't be silly. Noah built the ark."
* * * * *
"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?"
"Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings."
* * * * *
"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of ancient
philosophers, was a great scold?"
"Certainly; but just think what a great tease her husband was."

"A great tease?"
"Yes; Socrates."
* * * * *
The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker lays
out his man before he boxes him.
* * * * *
An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cushion, made use of an onion for
the purpose. On the following morning she found all the needles had
tears in their eyes.
* * * * *
BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a
woman without killing her.
JONES--That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do that.
* * * * *
"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name."
"I know. But he's such a bore!"
* * * * *
AMERICAN--"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of trade,
so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in our favor?"
ENGLISHMAN--"Nothing of the sort, sir. We exchange a worn-out
title for a beautiful American heiress almost every day in the year."
* * * * *
HUSBAND--"I am going to buy two little children."

WIFE--"Where in the world can you buy them?"
HUSBAND--"Down at the department store."
WIFE--"Who put such nonsense into your head?"
HUSBAND--"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, 'Ladies and
gents' undressed kids for a dollar.'"
* * * * *
"Your father has a strong box at home, hasn't he, Willie," said the
teacher.
"Yes'm," replied Willie; "the one he keeps the limburger in."
* * * * *
"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel."
"What possible connection is there between the two?"
"It's practically having words over nothing."
* * * * *
To-morrow never comes, they say; But all such talk is idle gush, For
when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush.
* * * * *
"Did you go into any of the New York restaurants?"
"No. I got into what I thought was one and I heard a feller call for
Saratoga chips and I knew 'twas a gamblin'-den and got out quick."
* * * * *
"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards."

It was the frivolous man who spoke.
"Can you think of another?"
The serious man scowled up from his newspaper.
"Tut-tut!" he cried contemptuously.
And they rode on in silence.
* * * * *
I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to Orchard
Park.
Why, how is that?
Well, there are so many pears (pairs) found under the trees.
* * * * *
TOM--"I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day. What did
he hit?"
DICK--"Nothing."
HARRY--"Why, I heard he shot himself in the foot."
DICK--"That's what I said."
* * * * *
"Two wrongs don't make a right."
"Yes, they do."
"How so?"
"Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me to-day; that

was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that was wrong, but it
made me right."
* * * * *
"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the
matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit
of clothes.
"How's that?"
"Marriage is always a tie."
* * * * *
An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer "was lying at the point of
death," exclaimed: "My Gracious! Won't even death stop that man's
lying?"
* * * * *
We mustn't kiss the baby, we mustn't kiss the kid, We mustn't kiss the
dainty miss, so scientists affirm; To pounce upon and "wrastle"