The New Pun Book | Page 6

used to call me the light of your life."
HE--"Ah, but I had no idea then how much it would cost to keep it
burning."
* * * * *
MOSES--"How did you make your money, Ike?"
IKE--"By horse-razing."
MOSES--"Vatt, not bedding?"
IKE--"Naw--I started a pawnshop just by the oudside of de razetrack
for de peoble who vanted to get home ven de razes was over."
* * * * *
HE--Don't you think Miss Plainly is the very image of her mother?
SHE--Yes, indeed; the resemblance is something awful.
* * * * *
--"I want to be an angel."

--"Just wait till you've backed one or two 'stars,' and you'll change that
tune my boy."
* * * * *
Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; that's why
females are always employed in that capacity.
* * * * *
"What are you going to do with your boy?"
"I don't know; I'm afraid he is a bad egg."
"In that case he might do for an actor."
* * * * *
BIGGS--That butcher is an awkward fellow.
BOGGS--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.
* * * * *
"Is the proprietor in?" asked the visitor to the planing mill. "I want to
order some doors."
"He's in," replied the smart office boy, "but I think he's out o' doors."
* * * * *
"Did the minister say anything comforting?" asked the neighbor of the
widow recently bereaved.
"Indeed, he didn't," was the quick reply. "He said my husband was
better off."
* * * * *

"What kind of hen lays the longest?"
"What kind?"
"A dead hen."
* * * * *
CITYMAN--Do they keep a servant girl?
SUBBUBS--O! certainly not. But as soon as one leaves they engage
another.--Philadelphia Press.
* * * * *
If a woman would change her sex, what would her religion be? She
would be a he-then, of course.
* * * * *
"What in the world shall I do with the baby, John? She's crying for the
moon."
"That's nothing. Wait till she's eighteen and she'll want the earth."
* * * * *
"The man who was run over by the cars the other day, is now out of
danger."
"That's good."
"He died this morning."
* * * * *
"The death of her husband must have been a dreadful blow to Mrs.
Musicale."

"It was, indeed."
"I suppose she has given up her piano playing entirely."
"No; she still plays; but only on the black keys."
* * * * *
Poor Lot's wife turned to salt, alas! Her fate was most unkind. No doubt
she only wished to see How hung her skirt behind.
* * * * *
SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair
sex as long as time lasts.
JONES--What's that?
SMITH--The Easter bonnet.
* * * * *
"In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles."
"That's very fortunate, isn't it," said his wife innocently, "but how?"
"Simply because in clock works the hands never strike."
* * * * *
"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear."
"Ah, had a military training, I suppose."
"No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were both
janitors."
* * * * *

"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small pupil.
"Men," answered Johnny.
"Correct," said the teacher. "And what is the plural of child?"
"Twins," was the unexpected answer.
* * * * *
FIRST COMEDIAN--"Did you score a hit with your new specialty?"
SECOND COMEDIAN--"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in
open-mouthed wonder before I was half through."
FIRST COMEDIAN--"Wonderful! It is seldom that an entire audience
yawns at once."
* * * * *
If I might hold that hand again Clasped lovingly in mine, I'd little care
what others sought-- That hand I held, lang syne!
That hand! Oh, warm it was and soft! Soft? Ne'er was so soft a thing!
Ah, me! I'll hold it ne'er again-- Ace, ten, knave, queen and king!
* * * * *
WIFE--"Got a dollar?"
HUSBAND--"Where's the last dollar I gave you?"
"Gone."
"I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could."
"I did."
"Doesn't look like it."

"Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen."
* * * * *
Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was
making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I
only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was not
bothered any more during the remainder of his speech.
* * * * *
"Why are you