The New Pun Book | Page 5

It's stopped.
TAILOR--I never wind it up. I use it as a motto.
"What do you mean?"
"No tick here."
* * * * *
The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe distance,
"as if you were full."
"Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark that
was a bird."
* * * * *
"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant talker."
"You're right there."
"Why, I could listen to her all night."
"I have to."
* * * * *
"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a harness
for a flea."
"Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I saw that same flea
harnessed."
* * * * *

"You want a divorce from your wife, do you?"
"Yes, sir, I do."
"What grounds?"
"Incompatability. She and the cook are quarreling continually."
* * * * *
"How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work?"
"That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing time for
making money?"
* * * * *
Don't take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you can let go
without getting some one to help you.
* * * * *
"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a
snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a delusion."
And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young man hunted
up his roller-skates and went out to be snared.
* * * * *
"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell me
what book helped you most in life?"
After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book."
* * * * *
"You were thrown out?" remarked the ash barrel. "That's what you get
for being crooked."

"The crookedness, is not my fault," said the nail. "I was driven to it by
a woman."
* * * * *
"What relation is a door-step to a door-mat?"
"What relation?"
"A step-farther."
* * * * *
GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree.
STRANGER--How can you tell?
GUIDE--By its bark.
* * * * *
Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but
when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.
* * * * *
MRS. POWELL--"I have such an indulgent husband!"
MRS. CAMERON (spitefully)--"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he
sometimes indulges too much, doesn't he?"
* * * * *
"They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night."
"How?"
"They jumped on the scales and gave themselves a weigh."

* * * * *
"You own your own house, don't you?"
"I used to."
"Have you sold it?"
"No, I haven't sold it."
"Then how is it you don't own it?"
"Well, you see, we have company most of the time."
* * * * *
"Mike, d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window?"
"You did not. Tell me about it."
"No use--you couldn't see through it."
* * * * *
A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off the ice,
and remarked to a friend, pointing to the salt:
"Now, that's true benevolence."
"No, it ain't," said the boy, somewhat indignant, "it's salt."
* * * * *
TEACHER--Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed
in?
TOMMY (after a moment's reflection)--I think it was his last.
* * * * *

JOHNNIE--"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork.
Ever been to Cork?"
SOUBRETTE--"No--but I've seen a good many drawings of it."
* * * * *
"What is love?"
"A fresh egg."
"Marriage?"
"Hard boiled eggs."
"Divorce?"
"Scrambled eggs."
* * * * *
How by the statesman insincere Man's weary soul is vexed. He'll shake
your hand one minute and He'll pull your leg the next!
* * * * *
"Hush, not so loud! We're having a conference of the powers."
"Eh! Who is conferring?"
"My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook."
* * * * *
"I saw De Castro, the magician, make a $20 gold piece disappear in
three minutes." "That's nothing. You ought to see my wife with a $20
bill at a church bazaar."
* * * * *

An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under a tree
so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark of the tree from
that of the dog.
* * * * *
LADY--Why do you remove your sword, Lieutenant?
GALLANT OFFICER--My lovely miss, the fire from those eyes would
compel the bravest soldier to surrender his arms.
* * * * *
SHE--"You