The New Pun Book | Page 4

a small boy, as he noticed
a large wedding party coming out of a church on Fifth avenue.
"Nawthin' but the tied goin' out."
* * * * *
Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad! Oh, the gladness of her
gladness when she's glad! But the sadness of her sadness, And the
gladness of her gladness, Are nothing to her madness when she's mad!
* * * * *
"Is it raining, girls?"
"No," broke in Cumso; "only cats and dogs."
* * * * *
GUEST--What have you got?
WAITER--I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet--
GUEST--Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical
peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know.
* * * * *
STRANGER--"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?"

BOY--"I kin for a quarter."
STRANGER--"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?"
BOY--"Yes, sir; but it's bank directors what gits high pay, you see, sir!"
* * * * *
"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her
neighbors.
"What's that?"
"I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether the parrot
is corrupting Willie."
* * * * *
PLAYWRIGHT--"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two
burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one; then----"
MANAGER CONN--"Be more explicit. Which one did the clock
strike?"
* * * * *
"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to that
advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills."
"And you got----"
"A printed slip directing me to paste them in a scrap-book."
* * * * *
"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher of a
class of youths.
"I have," exclaimed one.

"Where?" asked the teacher.
"On the elephant," replied the boy.
* * * * *
"Curious, isn't it?"
"What?"
"A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read when
signed to a check."
* * * * *
"That cook would make a good baseball player."
"Why so?"
"A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and the
way she caught that fly from the batter was a sight to rush an umpire
into an early grave."
* * * * *
When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle, they are engaged;
but when you see the operation reversed, they are married.
* * * * *
SHE (approvingly)--You won her hand, then?
HE (rather glumly)--Humph--I presume so. I'm under her thumb.
* * * * *
"What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum and
the admission to Sing Sing?"

"Don't know. What?"
"One is ten cents and the other is sentence."
* * * * *
"A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out
Jeffries."
"Who took him up?"
"The elevator boy, I think."
* * * * *
Why is a railroad train like a bedbug?
It runs over the sleepers.
* * * * *
CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is she engaged?
LITTLE BOY--Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married.
* * * * *
"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of men's
clothes. You don't like them, do you?"
"Yes. I do," replied the girly girl, frankly, "when there's a man in
them."
* * * * *
When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion, it is
always easy enough to change her complexion.
* * * * *

"My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you made
preparation for the day of judgment?"
"Sir," replied the young man, "that's how I make my living."
"Young man!"
"I'm employed in the sheriffs office."
* * * * *
"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting on his
hat and coat.
"Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano. "I'm
played out."
* * * * *
Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is said: "Her
eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been links-eyed.
* * * * *
"Do I bore you?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a half-inch
shaft into the man's leg.
"Not at all," replied the man, squashing him with a book. "How do I
strike you?"
* * * * *
"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?"
"It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!"
* * * * *
What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question?

Acquiescence.
* * * * *
MASHINGTON--What's the matter with your clock?