The New Pun Book | Page 3

Lot, was turned into a pillar of salt."
* * * * *
"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it does
you to punish you."
TOMMY (also tearfully)--Mebbe it does, but not in the same place.
* * * * *
"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!"
"Refused again?"
"No; accepted."
* * * * *
A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision
dealer said, "Can you supply me with a yard of pork?"
"Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman three pig's
feet."
* * * * *
"They say corporations have no soul."
"How about the Shoe Trust."
* * * * *

"Did your sweetheart receive you warmly last night?" asked one
Pittsburg young man of another.
"No, but her father did."
"How was that?"
"He fired me."
* * * * *
"Permit me, then, to die at your feet!" he cried desperately.
She shivered.
"I see no objection to that," she answered. "All papa said was that you
mustn't hang around here."
* * * * *
Don't doubt the veteran who tells you he was always where the bullets
were thickest; perhaps he was hiding under the ammunition wagon.
* * * * *
MR. BIXBY--Have you noticed how much better I rest after a day's
fishing?
MRS. BIXBY--No; but I have noticed how much easier you lie after a
day's fishing than upon other days.
* * * * *
"Nature never allows anything to run to waist."
"Humph! You've never seen a Vermont girl of forty."
* * * * *

"What's the matter here?"
"Man broke his neck."
"What story did he fall from?"
"Didn't fall--tried to see the top of the building."
* * * * *
According to a florist's magazine "Jacks are becoming cheap." This
may be true, but we have known men who would have been willing to
pay $10 for one to put with the two already in their hands.
* * * * *
JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired?
TOMMY--My step-mother is sick end now I'll get licked before every
meal. The doctor says she must take exercise on an empty stomach.
* * * * *
BROWN--"Peckhen has arrived safe. I just received a cablegram from
him."
SMITH--"Did he have a rough voyage?"
BROWN--"No; his wife didn't go."
* * * * *
"Oh, live and let live, my man."
"Yes, I'd look well, wouldn't I? I'm a butcher."
* * * * *
SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this morning.

JONES--Indeed! I didn't see it. What was it?
SMITH--His spring overcoat. He was taking it to the tailor to be
pressed and cleaned.
* * * * *
When Lot found his wife transformed into a pillar of salt, he was wise
enough to let it go at that and not take a fresh one.
* * * * *
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire.
ISAAC ISAACS--Vy?
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Vell, he took oud an inshoorance bolicy
yeste'day.
* * * * *
"A telephone girl always reminds me of a pictured saint."
"Why?"
"There is a continual 'hello' around her head."
* * * * *
A husband and wife are considered one, but it is useless to try to work
that gag on the landlord when he presents the board bill.
* * * * *
"You haven't a cent, and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan. Don't you
expect her father to kick you out?"
"Oh, no I intend to go before the footlights."

* * * * *
YOUNG M.D.--That jig is up.
OLD M.D.--What do you mean?
YOUNG M.D.--That fellow with St. Vitus's dance died this morning.
* * * * *
"Do you think that as a rule people who attend theaters are
superstitious?"
"Do I think so? I know it. I have seen people sit for an hour waiting for
a ghost to walk."
"For that matter the actors themselves often wait longer than that."
* * * * *
"Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once, and then
died," remarked Mrs. Sumway.
"From over-eggsertion, probably," commented her husband.
* * * * *
"What is the best way to raise cabbage?"
"With a knife and fork."
* * * * *
"Why is Miss B---- wearing black?"
"She is in mourning for her husband."
"Why, she never had a husband!"

"No, that is why she mourns."
* * * * *
"Dearest," she murmured, "I'm so afraid you'll change."
"Darling," he answered, "you'll never find any change about me."
* * * * *
"What's the matter here?" asked a stranger of