The New Pun Book | Page 2

had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up her
arm."
"That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the seam of my
trousers."
* * * * *
Attorney for the Defense--Have you ever been cross-examined before?
The Witness--Have I. I'm a married man.--Life.
* * * * *
--I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his fingers
broken.
--That is terrible, how did it happen?
--Well, he used to crack jokes on his fingers.
* * * * *
"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the New York
Central."
"But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?"
"Nope! It was a 'fast' train."
* * * * *
"What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred

haunted houses in New York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker.
"Oh," replied Jones, "that only ghost to show how plentiful spirits are
here."
* * * * *
"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver he
ran out."
"Did you shoot him?"
"No. He was out of my range."
* * * * *
GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs
sometimes."
FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise t' wake
the dead."
* * * * *
"I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off."
"Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect it."
"How was that?"
"Why, he is chairman of the board of public works and he advertised
for proposals."
* * * * *
"Are your folks well to do?"
"No. They're hard to do."

* * * * *
"If you should die, what would you do with your body?"
"I don't know."
"I'd sell mine to a medical student."
"Then you'd be giving yourself dead away."
* * * * *
"I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down there with
the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched him."
* * * * *
HE--"Yes, she is living under an assumed name."
SHE--"Horrible! What is it?"
HE--"The one she assumed immediately after her husband married
her!"
* * * * *
BIGGS--"I hear the jail was afire this morning?"
BAGGS--"Naw; it was only a sell."
* * * * *
Love they say is blind. Well: if so marriage must be an eye-opener.
* * * * *
"It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold rooms."
"Yes, it does. I get all warmed up when I talk to him."

* * * * *
"This liver is awful, Maud," said Mr. Newwed.
"I'm very sorry," returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to speak to the
livery-man about it."
* * * * *
"Who was the first one that came from the ark when it landed."
"Noah."
"You are wrong. Don't the good book tell us that Noah came forth? So
there must have been three ahead of him."
* * * * *
RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day, sir.
MANAGER--Indeed; What now?
CLERK--Man dislocated his neck trying to read our new time table.
* * * * *
"I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor.
"I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw you ring
it up."
* * * * *
ISAACS--Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars, how
could dey tell if we got it?
COHEN--Vell, dey mighd send it gollect undt see if ve paid for it.
* * * * *

HE--I'll go to-morrow and buy a diamond engagement ring.
SHE--Now, George, for the first time your talk has the true ring in it.
* * * * *
"I am told," said she, saucily, "that though you are a military man, you
are afraid of powder."
"To prove that the assertion is calumnious," replied he, "I have only to
do this."
Whereupon he lightly kissed her on the cheek, and his lips showed that
he was not.
* * * * *
MRS. PENDERGAST (in disgust)--You call these shades alike! Is
there anything you can match?
MR. PENDERGAST--Yes. Pennies.
* * * * *
Pressed for work--cider.
Never out of print--the calico counter.
* * * * *
"Is this a fire insurance office?"
"Yes, sir; can we write you some insurance?"
"Perhaps you can. You see, my employer threatens to fire me next
Saturday, and I'd like some protection."
* * * * *

"We should never complain, whatever may befall us," said the minister.
"The moment we grow dissatisfied we become unhappy."
"Do you really think so?" she sighed.
"Yes," returned the good man; "the first woman who complained of her