The New Pun Book | Page 7

There was no such battle."
* * * * *
"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?"
"Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the greatest show on earth."
* * * * *
"Why do all bank cashiers run to Canada?"
"Give it up."
"Because that's the only place Toronto."
* * * * *
"Were you attached to the place?"
The actress laughed bitterly.
"I don't know what you'd call it," she rejoined. "The sheriff had all my dresses except a Mother Hubbard."
* * * * *
"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone number be?"
It would be "8-1-2."
* * * * *
An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't hold his tongue he would break his impenetrable head, and let his brains out of his empty skull.
* * * * *
PETERS--"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular song?"
WINKLE--"Not I."
PETERS--"Heavens! How can you stand it?"
WINKLE-"I wrote the song."
* * * * *
I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks.
Did you win?
No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever."
* * * * *
"What have you here?" asked the fresh young man of the waiter at a first-class restaurant.
"Everything, sir."
"Everything?" sneeringly, "Have it served at once."
"Hash for one," yelled the waiter.
* * * * *
When we first dined at a cafe We feared they'd drop their trays, but later We learned, somewhat to our dismay, It takes--as scores of men will say-- A big "tip" to upset a waiter.
* * * * *
"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest.
"Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter.
* * * * *
Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he cared for undressed kids.
* * * * *
MRS. TILFORD OF SOROSIS--"It must have taken Daniel Webster a long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?"
TILFORD--"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?"
MRS. TILFORD (tartly)--"Now don't be silly. Noah built the ark."
* * * * *
"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?"
"Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings."
* * * * *
"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of ancient philosophers, was a great scold?"
"Certainly; but just think what a great tease her husband was."
"A great tease?"
"Yes; Socrates."
* * * * *
The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker lays out his man before he boxes him.
* * * * *
An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cushion, made use of an onion for the purpose. On the following morning she found all the needles had tears in their eyes.
* * * * *
BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a woman without killing her.
JONES--That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do that.
* * * * *
"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name."
"I know. But he's such a bore!"
* * * * *
AMERICAN--"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in our favor?"
ENGLISHMAN--"Nothing of the sort, sir. We exchange a worn-out title for a beautiful American heiress almost every day in the year."
* * * * *
HUSBAND--"I am going to buy two little children."
WIFE--"Where in the world can you buy them?"
HUSBAND--"Down at the department store."
WIFE--"Who put such nonsense into your head?"
HUSBAND--"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, 'Ladies and gents' undressed kids for a dollar.'"
* * * * *
"Your father has a strong box at home, hasn't he, Willie," said the teacher.
"Yes'm," replied Willie; "the one he keeps the limburger in."
* * * * *
"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel."
"What possible connection is there between the two?"
"It's practically having words over nothing."
* * * * *
To-morrow never comes, they say; But all such talk is idle gush, For when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush.
* * * * *
"Did you go into any of the New York restaurants?"
"No. I got into what I thought was one and I heard a feller call for Saratoga chips and I knew 'twas a gamblin'-den and got out quick."
* * * * *
"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards."
It was the frivolous man who spoke.
"Can you think of another?"
The serious man scowled up from his newspaper.
"Tut-tut!" he cried contemptuously.
And they rode on in silence.
* * * * *
I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to Orchard Park.
Why, how is that?
Well, there are so many pears (pairs) found under the trees.
* * * * *
TOM--"I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day. What did he hit?"
DICK--"Nothing."
HARRY--"Why, I heard he shot himself in the foot."
DICK--"That's what I