The New Pun Book | Page 6

behind.
* * * * *
SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts.
JONES--What's that?
SMITH--The Easter bonnet.
* * * * *
"In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles."
"That's very fortunate, isn't it," said his wife innocently, "but how?"
"Simply because in clock works the hands never strike."
* * * * *
"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear."
"Ah, had a military training, I suppose."
"No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were both janitors."
* * * * *
"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small pupil.
"Men," answered Johnny.
"Correct," said the teacher. "And what is the plural of child?"
"Twins," was the unexpected answer.
* * * * *
FIRST COMEDIAN--"Did you score a hit with your new specialty?"
SECOND COMEDIAN--"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in open-mouthed wonder before I was half through."
FIRST COMEDIAN--"Wonderful! It is seldom that an entire audience yawns at once."
* * * * *
If I might hold that hand again Clasped lovingly in mine, I'd little care what others sought-- That hand I held, lang syne!
That hand! Oh, warm it was and soft! Soft? Ne'er was so soft a thing! Ah, me! I'll hold it ne'er again-- Ace, ten, knave, queen and king!
* * * * *
WIFE--"Got a dollar?"
HUSBAND--"Where's the last dollar I gave you?"
"Gone."
"I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could."
"I did."
"Doesn't look like it."
"Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen."
* * * * *
Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was not bothered any more during the remainder of his speech.
* * * * *
"Why are you sad, Bill?"
"Oh, I am troubled with dyspepsia."
"How can that be?"
"I got licked at school 'cause I couldn't spell it."
* * * * *
MRS. LIMBERCHIN--I was so mad last night I couldn't speak.
MR. L.--And I was away! Just my luck!
* * * * *
--"That Jersey murderer was clever to get off as he did, wasn't he?"
--"What was his plea--insanity?"
--"No, malaria."
* * * * *
"I've been married five years, and I've got a bushel of children."
"How's that?"
"My name is Peck. I've got four children. Don't four pecks make a bushel?"
* * * * *
The weary desert stretched for miles. Stretched for sheer weariness. Not a drop of water was in sight.
Then it was that the traveler had an inspiration.
He wrung his hands.
* * * * *
"Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again."
"Why?"
"Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons."
* * * * *
ASKIT-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take?
TELLIT-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance on a cake of soap at the head of the stairs.
* * * * *
"There is but one thing," said the professor of medicine, gravely, "that we know about death."
"And that is, sir?" queried the student.
"It is always fatal."
* * * * *
"Did you hear about Miss Jones?"
"No. What's up?"
"Why, she eloped with one of the boarders in the hotel."
"Oh, that was only a roomer!"
* * * * *
"When was money first invented?"
"I don't know. When was it?"
"When the dove brought the greenback to Noah."
* * * * *
"What a distinguished looking man."
"Yes, the last time I saw him he was on the bench."
"What, a judge?"
"No; a substitute ball-player."
* * * * *
HE--"Didn't you promise to love, honor and obey me?"
SHE--"Heaven only knows what I promised. I was listening to hear what you promised."
* * * * *
THIN BOARDER--"I don't see how you manage to fare so well at this boarding-house. I have industriously courted the landlady and all her daughters, but I'm half-starved."
FAT BOARDER--"I court the cook."
* * * * *
"Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady?"
"Because it is never felt."
* * * * *
JONES--"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday."
SMITH--"You don't say so? Boy or girl?"
JONES--"Neither. It's my wife's mother."
* * * * *
DINER--"Hello! waiter, where is that ox-tail soup?"
WAITER--"Coming, sir--half a minute."
DINER--"Confound you! How slow you are."
WAITER--"Fault of the soup, sir. Ox-tail is always behind."
* * * * *
An Irishman was planting shade trees when a passing lady said:
"You're digging out the holes, are you, Mr. Haggerty?"
"No, mum. Oi'm diggin' out the dirt an' lavin' the holes."
* * * * *
Irish foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: "How many men is down in that hole?"
Voice from the sewer: "Three, sorr."
Irish foreman: "Then lave half of yez cum up."
* * * * *
TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in the war and can't work."
Woman-"Where was you shot?"
"In the spinal column, mum."
"Go 'way!