The New Pun Book | Page 8

said."
* * * * *
"Two wrongs don't make a right."
"Yes, they do."
"How so?"
"Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that was wrong, but it made me right."
* * * * *
"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes.
"How's that?"
"Marriage is always a tie."
* * * * *
An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer "was lying at the point of death," exclaimed: "My Gracious! Won't even death stop that man's lying?"
* * * * *
We mustn't kiss the baby, we mustn't kiss the kid, We mustn't kiss the dainty miss, so scientists affirm; To pounce upon and "wrastle" us there waits the awful bacillus, The sempiternal, most infernal omnipresent germ.
* * * * *
"What I like about the Irish is that they are so modest and unassuming."
"Holy smoke!"
"Fact. When an Irishman does anything great he does not go bragging of his ability as another man would. He merely brags about Ireland."
* * * * *
"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it."
"Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old."
"Yes, but this was tomato soup."
* * * * *
"I was at a banquet last night. I just had a lovely time. We had everything a man could wish for."
"Did you have any pale ale?"
"No; we didn't have the pail."
* * * * *
A cement maker advertises that his cement is strong enough to mend the break of day.
* * * * *
Rowley Powley, pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. ** ** ** ** ** But entre nous, that legend of yore Only tells half; they cried for more!
* * * * *
"Are you the photographer?"
"Yes sir."
"Do you take children's pictures?"
"Yes sir."
"How much do you charge?"
"Three dollars a dozen."
"Well, I have to see you again. I've only got eleven."
* * * * *
THE MAN--Edison's a wonder, isn't he?
THE MAID--I don't think so! You can't turn his incandescent lights down low.
* * * * *
"When were walking-sticks first invented?"
"When?"
"When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain."
* * * * *
"Pat," said one Catholic friend to another, "how would you like to be buried in a Protestant graveyard?"
"Faith an' I'd die first!"
* * * * *
--No matter how high an awning may be suspended, it is only a shade above the street.
* * * * *
An Irishman, just landed, seeing an electric-motor car running for the first time, exclaimed: "Well, well, Ould Nick must be pullin' it wid a string."
* * * * *
DAME RUMOR ought frequently to have her named spelled without the e.
* * * * *
"Where are you working now?"
"I'm working down in a match factory."
"How is business?"
"Light."
* * * * *
An Irish doctor advertises that the deaf may hear of him at a house in Liffey street, where his blind patients may see him from ten till three.
* * * * *
"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
"Out automobiling, sir," she said.
"May I go with you, my pretty maid?"
"If you can steer the old thing, you may," she said.
* * * * *
A painter, who fell off a scaffold with a pot of paint in each hand said: "well, I came down with flying colors, anyhow."
* * * * *
--"I'm very sorry for that boy. Your scolding cut him to the quick."
--"That's impossible. He has no quick. He's a messenger boy."
* * * * *
A lady one day being in need of some small change called down-stairs to the cook and enquired: "Mary, have you any 'coppers' down there?" "Yes, mum, I've two; but if you please, mum, they're both me cousins," was the unexpected reply.
* * * * *
"When I was eating my dinner to-day the butter ran."
"That's nothing. I was up-town last night and saw a cake walk."
* * * * *
SHE--"They say that your father is a millionaire. Is it true?"
HE--"Yes; and, strange to say, I am one also."
SHE--"How do you make that out?"
HE--"Why, I am the only child, therefore I am a million heir, of course."
* * * * *
Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling.
* * * * *
MISTRESS--"I am not quite satisfied with your references."
APPLICANT--"Naythur am I, mum; but they's the best I could get!"
* * * * *
"What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my grandmother is dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."
* * * * *
"There was a terrible murder in the hotel to-day."
"Was there."
"Yes; a paper-hanger hung a border."
"It must have been a put-up job!"
* * * * *
As man