The New Pun Book | Page 5

is a dogwood tree.
STRANGER--How can you tell?
GUIDE--By its bark.
* * * * *
Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.
* * * * *
MRS. POWELL--"I have such an indulgent husband!"
MRS. CAMERON (spitefully)--"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he sometimes indulges too much, doesn't he?"
* * * * *
"They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night."
"How?"
"They jumped on the scales and gave themselves a weigh."
* * * * *
"You own your own house, don't you?"
"I used to."
"Have you sold it?"
"No, I haven't sold it."
"Then how is it you don't own it?"
"Well, you see, we have company most of the time."
* * * * *
"Mike, d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window?"
"You did not. Tell me about it."
"No use--you couldn't see through it."
* * * * *
A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off the ice, and remarked to a friend, pointing to the salt:
"Now, that's true benevolence."
"No, it ain't," said the boy, somewhat indignant, "it's salt."
* * * * *
TEACHER--Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed in?
TOMMY (after a moment's reflection)--I think it was his last.
* * * * *
JOHNNIE--"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork. Ever been to Cork?"
SOUBRETTE--"No--but I've seen a good many drawings of it."
* * * * *
"What is love?"
"A fresh egg."
"Marriage?"
"Hard boiled eggs."
"Divorce?"
"Scrambled eggs."
* * * * *
How by the statesman insincere Man's weary soul is vexed. He'll shake your hand one minute and He'll pull your leg the next!
* * * * *
"Hush, not so loud! We're having a conference of the powers."
"Eh! Who is conferring?"
"My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook."
* * * * *
"I saw De Castro, the magician, make a $20 gold piece disappear in three minutes." "That's nothing. You ought to see my wife with a $20 bill at a church bazaar."
* * * * *
An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark of the tree from that of the dog.
* * * * *
LADY--Why do you remove your sword, Lieutenant?
GALLANT OFFICER--My lovely miss, the fire from those eyes would compel the bravest soldier to surrender his arms.
* * * * *
SHE--"You used to call me the light of your life."
HE--"Ah, but I had no idea then how much it would cost to keep it burning."
* * * * *
MOSES--"How did you make your money, Ike?"
IKE--"By horse-razing."
MOSES--"Vatt, not bedding?"
IKE--"Naw--I started a pawnshop just by the oudside of de razetrack for de peoble who vanted to get home ven de razes was over."
* * * * *
HE--Don't you think Miss Plainly is the very image of her mother?
SHE--Yes, indeed; the resemblance is something awful.
* * * * *
--"I want to be an angel."
--"Just wait till you've backed one or two 'stars,' and you'll change that tune my boy."
* * * * *
Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; that's why females are always employed in that capacity.
* * * * *
"What are you going to do with your boy?"
"I don't know; I'm afraid he is a bad egg."
"In that case he might do for an actor."
* * * * *
BIGGS--That butcher is an awkward fellow.
BOGGS--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.
* * * * *
"Is the proprietor in?" asked the visitor to the planing mill. "I want to order some doors."
"He's in," replied the smart office boy, "but I think he's out o' doors."
* * * * *
"Did the minister say anything comforting?" asked the neighbor of the widow recently bereaved.
"Indeed, he didn't," was the quick reply. "He said my husband was better off."
* * * * *
"What kind of hen lays the longest?"
"What kind?"
"A dead hen."
* * * * *
CITYMAN--Do they keep a servant girl?
SUBBUBS--O! certainly not. But as soon as one leaves they engage another.--Philadelphia Press.
* * * * *
If a woman would change her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then, of course.
* * * * *
"What in the world shall I do with the baby, John? She's crying for the moon."
"That's nothing. Wait till she's eighteen and she'll want the earth."
* * * * *
"The man who was run over by the cars the other day, is now out of danger."
"That's good."
"He died this morning."
* * * * *
"The death of her husband must have been a dreadful blow to Mrs. Musicale."
"It was, indeed."
"I suppose she has given up her piano playing entirely."
"No; she still plays; but only on the black keys."
* * * * *
Poor Lot's wife turned to salt, alas! Her fate was most unkind. No doubt she only wished to see How hung her skirt