The New Pun Book | Page 4

directing me to paste them in a scrap-book."
* * * * *
"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher of a class of youths.
"I have," exclaimed one.
"Where?" asked the teacher.
"On the elephant," replied the boy.
* * * * *
"Curious, isn't it?"
"What?"
"A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read when signed to a check."
* * * * *
"That cook would make a good baseball player."
"Why so?"
"A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and the way she caught that fly from the batter was a sight to rush an umpire into an early grave."
* * * * *
When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle, they are engaged; but when you see the operation reversed, they are married.
* * * * *
SHE (approvingly)--You won her hand, then?
HE (rather glumly)--Humph--I presume so. I'm under her thumb.
* * * * *
"What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum and the admission to Sing Sing?"
"Don't know. What?"
"One is ten cents and the other is sentence."
* * * * *
"A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out Jeffries."
"Who took him up?"
"The elevator boy, I think."
* * * * *
Why is a railroad train like a bedbug?
It runs over the sleepers.
* * * * *
CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is she engaged?
LITTLE BOY--Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married.
* * * * *
"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of men's clothes. You don't like them, do you?"
"Yes. I do," replied the girly girl, frankly, "when there's a man in them."
* * * * *
When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion, it is always easy enough to change her complexion.
* * * * *
"My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you made preparation for the day of judgment?"
"Sir," replied the young man, "that's how I make my living."
"Young man!"
"I'm employed in the sheriffs office."
* * * * *
"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat.
"Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano. "I'm played out."
* * * * *
Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is said: "Her eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been links-eyed.
* * * * *
"Do I bore you?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a half-inch shaft into the man's leg.
"Not at all," replied the man, squashing him with a book. "How do I strike you?"
* * * * *
"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?"
"It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!"
* * * * *
What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? Acquiescence.
* * * * *
MASHINGTON--What's the matter with your clock? It's stopped.
TAILOR--I never wind it up. I use it as a motto.
"What do you mean?"
"No tick here."
* * * * *
The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe distance, "as if you were full."
"Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark that was a bird."
* * * * *
"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant talker."
"You're right there."
"Why, I could listen to her all night."
"I have to."
* * * * *
"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a harness for a flea."
"Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I saw that same flea harnessed."
* * * * *
"You want a divorce from your wife, do you?"
"Yes, sir, I do."
"What grounds?"
"Incompatability. She and the cook are quarreling continually."
* * * * *
"How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work?"
"That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing time for making money?"
* * * * *
Don't take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you can let go without getting some one to help you.
* * * * *
"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young man hunted up his roller-skates and went out to be snared.
* * * * *
"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell me what book helped you most in life?"
After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book."
* * * * *
"You were thrown out?" remarked the ash barrel. "That's what you get for being crooked."
"The crookedness, is not my fault," said the nail. "I was driven to it by a woman."
* * * * *
"What relation is a door-step to a door-mat?"
"What relation?"
"A step-farther."
* * * * *
GUIDE--This