The Laws of Etiquette | Page 8

upon the other. That one received him with respectful civility,
and behaved to him as he would have behaved to an equal in the
peerage:--said nothing about Raphael nor Correggio, but conversed
with ease about literature and men. This nobleman was the Earl of
Chesterfield. Sir Joshua felt, that though the one had said that he
respected him, the other had proved that he did, and went away from
this one gratified rather than from the first. Reader, there is wisdom in
this anecdote. Mark, learn, and inwardly digest it: and let this be the
moral which you deduce,--that there is distinction in society, but that
there are no distinctions.
The great business in company is conversation. It should be studied as
art. Style in conversation is as important, and as capable of cultivation
as style in writing. The manner of saying things is what gives them
their value.
The most important requisite for succeeding here, is constant and
unfaltering attention. That which Churchill has noted as the greatest
virtue on the stage, is also the most necessary in company,--to be
"always attentive to the business of the scene." Your understanding
should, like your person, be armed at all points. Never go into society
with your mind _en deshabille._ It is fatal to success to be all absent or
_distrait._ The secret of conversation has been said to consist in
building upon the remark of your companion. Men of the strongest
minds, who have solitary habits and bookish dispositions, rarely excel
in sprightly colloquy, because they seize upon the thing itself,--the
subject abstractly,- -instead of attending to the language of other
speakers, and do not cultivate verbal pleasantries and refinements. He
who does otherwise gains a reputation for quickness, and pleases by
showing that he has regarded the observation of others.
It is an error to suppose that conversation consists in talking. A more
important thing is to listen discreetly. Mirabeau said, that to succeed in
the world, it is necessary to submit to be taught many things which you
understand, by persons who know nothing about them. Flattery is the
smoothest path to success; and the most refined and gratifying

compliment you can pay, is to listen. "The wit of conversation consists
more in finding it in others," says La Bruy,re, "than in showing a great
deal yourself: he who goes from your conversation pleased with
himself and his own wit, is perfectly well pleased with you. Most men
had rather please than admire you, and seek less to be instructed,--nay,
delighted,--than to be approved and applauded. The most delicate
pleasure is to please another."
It is certainly proper enough to convince others of your merits. But the
highest idea which you can give a man of your own penetration, is to
be thoroughly impressed with his.
Patience is a social engine, as well as a Christian virtue. To listen, to
wait, and to he wearied are the certain elements of good fortune.
If there be any foreigner present at a dinner party, or small evening
party, who does not understand the language which is spoken, good
breeding requires that the conversation should be carried on entirely in
his language. Even among your most intimate friends, never address
any one in a language not understood by all the others. It is as bad as
whispering.
Never speak to any one in company about a private affair which is not
understood by others, as asking how _tha_t matter is coming on, &c. In
so doing you indicate your opinion that the rest are _de trop._ If you
wish to make any such inquiries, always explain to others the business
about which you inquire, if the subject admit of it.
If upon the entrance of a visitor you continue a conversation begun
before, you should always explain the subject to the new-comer.
If there is any one in the company whom you do not know, be careful
how you let off any epigrams or pleasant little sarcasms. You might be
very witty upon halters to a man whose father had been hanged. The
first requisite for successful conversation is to know your company
well.
We have spoken above of the necessity of relinquishing the prerogative

of our race, and being contented with recipient silence. There is another
precept of a kindred nature to be observed, namely, not to talk too well
when you do talk. You do not raise yourself much in the opinion of
another, if at the same time that you amuse him, you wound him in the
nicest point,--his self-love. Besides irritating vanity, a constant flow of
wit is excessively fatiguing to the listeners. A witty man is an agreeable
acquaintance, but a tiresome friend. "The wit of the company, next to
the butt of the company," says Mrs. Montagu,