The Jest Book | Page 8

with a friend, and
observing the church, remarked, "That it put him in mind of a
fellowship, which was a long dreary walk, with a church at the end of
it."
LXXIII.--SOUND SLEEPER.
A MAN meeting his friend, said, "I spoke to you last night in a
dream."--"Pardon me," replied the other, "I did not hear you."
LXXIV.--A CHEAP CURE.
"PRAY, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout?" asked an indolent
and luxurious citizen. "Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it!" was the
pithy answer.
LXXV.--EPIGRAM.
YOU say, without reward or fee, Your uncle cur'd me of a dang'rous ill;
I say he never did prescribe for me, The proof is plain,--I'm living still.
LXXVI.--A GRAMMATICAL DISTINCTION.
SEVERAL young gentlemen once got up a play at Cambridge. On the
day of representation one of the performers took it into his head to
make an excuse, and his part was obliged to be read. Hobhouse came
forward to apologize to the audience, and told them that a Mr. ---- had
declined to perform his part. The gentleman was highly indignant at the
"a," and had a great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope Davies,

who replied that he supposed Mr. ---- wanted to be called the Mr.
So-and-so. He ever afterwards went by the name of the "Definite
Article."
LXXVII.--A BANKER'S CHECK.
ROGERS, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said "he
wrote very well for a banker," wrote, in return, the following:--
"They say he has no heart, and I deny it: He has a heart, and--gets his
speeches by it."
LXXVIII.--A FILLIP FOR HIM.
THE present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had
just made a speech of more poetry than law, "Poor young man, he has
studied the wrong Phillips."
LXXIX.--BLACK OILS.
"WHAT'S the matter?" inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd
collected around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to
secure, to put on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he
had deserted. "Matter! matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent,
"pressing a poor negro to get oil."
LXXX.--A BAD CROP.
A SEEDSMAN being lately held to bail for using inflammatory
language respecting the Reform Bill, a wag observed, it was probably
in the line of his profession--to promote business, he wished to sow
sedition.
LXXXI.--A GRAVE DOCTOR.
COUNSELLOR CRIPS being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the
company, a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard.
Dinner being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed
his surprise where he could be gone to. "Oh," says the counsellor, "he is

but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his old patients."
LXXXII.--WASTE POWDER.
DR. JOHNSON being asked his opinion of the title of a very small
volume remarkable for its pomposity, replied, "That it was similar to
placing an eight-and-forty pounder at the door of a pigsty."
LXXXIII.--THE SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE.
AS a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with
a very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he was
so sorrowful. "Alas!" said he, "I am in a state of insolvency."--"Well,"
said his friend, "if that is the case, it is not you, but your creditors, who
ought to wear a woful countenance."
LXXXIV.--BLACK AND WHITE.
DURING the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition,
setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one
evening presented, and very coldly received by the "hereditary
legislative wisdom."--"Ah," said Lord Byron, "what a misfortune it was
for the Irish that they were not born black! They would then have had
plenty of friends in both houses."
LXXXV.--HOME IS HOME.
"I LIVE in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. "I
don't wonder at it," replied George; "since I observed she had a sty in
them when I saw her last."
LXXXVI.--A LIGHT STUDY.
AS a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in
front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and
said, "Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?"--"No, sir,"
replied the alderman, "I am studying gas-tronomy."
LXXXVII.--A CLIMAX.

A VERY volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world
were numberless, at last married. "Now, my lord," said the countess, "I
hope you'll mend."--"Madam," says he, "you may depend on it this is
my last folly."
LXXXVIII.--SIMPLE DIVISION.
WHEN the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor,
to be examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the
chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?"--"Does your
lordship mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead
sheep?"--"Is it not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord,"
said Lord Bradford, "there is much