The Jest Book | Page 9

difference; a live sheep may have
four legs; a dead sheep has only two: the two fore legs are shoulders;
but there are but two legs of mutton."
LXXXIX.--HERO-PHOBIA.
WHEN George II. was once expressing his admiration of General
Wolfe, some one observed that the General was mad. "Oh! he is mad, is
he!" said the king, with great quickness, "then I wish he would bite
some other of my generals."
XC.--LYING CONSISTENTLY.
TWO old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same
desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a
New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, "Madam, I am come to
know how old we are to be this year."
XCI.--NOT RIGHT.
A PRISONER being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny,
was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately
held up his left hand. "Hold up your right hand," said the clerk. "Please
your honor," said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, "I am
left-handed."

XCII.--LIGHT-HEADED.
DR. BURNEY, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson,
after his victory of the Nile, "Honor est a Nilo" (Horatio Nelson), was
shortly after on a visit to his lordship, at his beautiful villa at Merton.
From his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a nightcap into his
portmanteau, and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. Before
retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice,
having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it
in flames; he immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned
them with the following lines:--
"Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire, I would not retain it
a minute; What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's fire, Is sure to be
instantly in it."
XCIII.--"HE LIES LIKE TRUTH."
A PERSON who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was
asked if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. "As a proof of the
possibility of it," said he, "I have known some negroes that thought as
little of a lie or an oath as any European."
XCIV.--HAND AND GLOVE.
A DYER, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that
was all black; "Take off your glove, friend," said the judge to him. "Put
on your spectacles, my lord," answered the dyer.
XCV.--VAST DOMAIN.
A GENTLEMAN having a servant with a very thick skull, used often
to call him the king of fools. "I wish," said the fellow one day, "you
could make your words good, I should then be the greatest monarch in
the world."
XCVI.--MONEY RETURNED.

A LAWYER being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to
fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; "From such,"
said he, "I had it, and to such I give it again."
XCVII.--CHEESE AND DESSERT.
TWO city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a
cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the
cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the
grocer's lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping
before her, said, "No, madam, nothing comes after cheese."
XCVIII.--VERY POINTED.
SIR JOHN HAMILTON, who had severely suffered from the
persecutions of the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a
hedgehog, it was impossible to touch him anywhere without pricking
one's fingers.
XCIX.--"THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE."
A GENTLEMAN who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn
for several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of
port placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it.
"Please your honor," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge me."
The gentleman began, "One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto, one
ditto,"--"Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are cheating
you. I know I had some bottles of their port, but I did not taste a drop
of their ditto."
C.--COMPUTATION.
AN Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before
three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the
other two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very merry
on the occasion. "Well, now," says he, "I have lost. But who could help
it, when there were an hundred judges on the bench?--one and two
ciphers."

CI.--PRIMOGENITURE.
AN Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish
kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very
youthful appearance, while his son was depicted with a long beard, and
wore the traits of extreme old age. "Sancta Maria," exclaimed the good
Hibernian, "is it possible that