The Jest Book | Page 6

throw
the bottle at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the missile in
his hand, he restored the harmony of the company by observing, that "if
the bottle was passed so quickly, not one of them would be able to
stand out the evening."
L.--"JUNIUS" DISCOVERED.
MR. ROGERS was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis

whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight,
"Will you, Sir Philip,--will your kindness excuse my addressing to you
a single question?"--"At your peril, sir!" was the harsh and the laconic
answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly
asked him the result of his application. "I don't know," he answered,
"whether he is Junius; but, if he be, he is certainly Junius Brutus."
LI.--A WEAK WOMAN.
A LOVING husband once waited on a physician to request him to
prescribe for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. "Let her wash
them," said the doctor, "every morning with a small glass of brandy." A
few weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. "Well, my
friend, has your wife followed my advice?"--"She has done everything
in her power to do it, doctor"; said the spouse, "but she never could get
the glass higher than her mouth."
LII.--TOO MANY COOKS.
ELWES, the noted miser, used to say, "If you keep one servant, your
work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three,
you may do it yourself."
LIII.--LOOK IN HIS FACE.
ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened
in the middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed
him with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If
that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we
shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger,
and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be afraid,
the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do you
mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the
lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
when he is afraid? I need not ask how he looks."
LIV.--NOTHING BUT THE "BILL."

JOHN HORNE TOOKE'S opinion upon the subject of law was
admirable. "Law," he said, "ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a
remedy, to be easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained by the poor." A
person observed to him, how excellent are the English laws, because
they are impartial, and our courts of justice are open to all persons
without distinction. "And so," said Tooke, "is the London Tavern, to
such as can afford to pay for their entertainment."
LV.--AN EXTINGUISHER.
WHILE Commodore Anson's ship, the Centurion, was engaged in close
fight, with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor
came running to him, and cried out, "Sir, our ship is on fire very near
the powder magazine."--"Then pray, friend," said the commodore, not
in the least degree discomposed, "run back and assist in putting it out."
LVI.--A BAD SHOT.
A COCKNEY being out one day amusing himself with shooting,
happened to fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man
standing. The shot passed through the man's hat, but missed the bird.
"Did you fire at me, sir?" he hastily asked. "O! no, sir," said the shrewd
sportsman, "I never hit what I fire at."
LVII.--WISE PRECAUTION.
IT is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that when in one of his leisure
hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most playful
and frolicsome manner, he observed Beau Nash approaching; upon
which he suddenly stopped: "My boys," said he, "let us be grave: here
comes a fool."
LVIII.--A TRUMP CARD.
AT one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago,
Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess
observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous
than the rage for play among men. "In short, you think," said Mr.

Rogers, "that clubs are worse than diamonds." This joke excited a laugh;
and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following
impromptu sermonet--most appropriately on a card:--
Thoughtless that "all that's brightest fades," Unmindful of that Knave of
Spades, The Sexton and his Subs: How foolishly we play our parts!
Our wives on diamonds set their hearts, We set our hearts on clubs!
LIX.--MISTAKEN IDENTITY.
A PHYSICIAN attending a lady several times, had received a couple of
guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but
one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, "I believe,
madam," said he, "I have dropt a guinea."--"No,