The Jest Book | Page 5

hood and scarf, and told her
husband, who interposed, "that she should see if there was any fellow
alive that had the impudence!"--"Pr'ythee, my dear, don't be so rash,"
replied the good man; "you don't know what a man may do in a
passion."

XXXV.--A PORTRAIT CAPITALLY EXECUTED.
IN a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article:
"Memoirs of Charles the First,--with, a head capitally executed."
XXXVI.--MATTER IN HIS MADNESS.
A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered,
"By a dispute."--"What dispute?" The bedlamite replied, "The world
said I was mad; I said the world was mad, and they outwitted me."
XXXVII.--PLEASANT INVITATION.
SOME years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a
gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. "I have," says he, "a
picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day
came to see it, and says it is a copy. If any one says so again, I'll break
his head. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favor to come, and
give me your real opinion of it?"
XXXVIII.--WELL-BRED HORSE.
"HOW does your new-purchased horse answer?" said the late Duke of
Cumberland to George Selwyn. "I really don't know," replied George,
"for I never asked him a question."
XXXIX.--"ONE FOR HIS NOB."
A BARRISTER entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of
which he was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost
every observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing
himself to Mr. Curran, he asked him, "Do you see anything ridiculous
in this wig."--"Nothing but the head," was the answer.
XL.--SOUND AND FURY.
A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato
on the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the
philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music?

"No, madam," replied the doctor; "but of all noises, I think music is the
least disagreeable."
XLI.--COME OF AGE.
A YOUNG man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and,
wishing to annoy him, inquired how old he was? "I can't exactly tell,"
replied the other; "but I can inform you that an ass is older at twenty
than a man at sixty!"
XLII.--A STRIKING NOTICE.
THE following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who
was pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: "Have a care,
friend, thou mayest run thy face against my fist."
XLIII.--UP IN THE WORLD.
A FELLOW boasting in company of his family, declared even his own
father died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking
incredulous, another observed, "I can bear testimony to the gentleman's
veracity, as my father was sheriff for the county when his was hanged
for horse-stealing."
XLIV.--REVERSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
WHEN General V---- was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and
his lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an
old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily
with fresh importunities. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the
carriage, the woman began: "Oh, my lady! success to your ladyship,
and success to your honor's honor: for sure I did not dream last night
that her ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honor gave me a
pound of tobacco."--"My good woman," said the general, "dreams go
by the rule of contrary."--"Do they so?" rejoined the old woman; "then
it must mean, that your honor will give me the tea, and her ladyship the
tobacco."

XLV.--A DOGGED ANSWER.
BOSWELL, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not
think that a good cook was more essential to the community than a
good poet. "I don't suppose," said the doctor, "that there's a dog in the
town but what thinks so."
XLVI.--VISIBLE DARKNESS.
A GENTLEMAN at an inn, seeing that the lights were so dim as only
to render the darkness visible, called out, "Here, waiter, let me have a
couple of decent candles to see how these others burn."
XLVII.--HIC-CUPPING.
A GENTLEMAN, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after
dinner introduced remarkably small hock-glasses, and at length turning
to Swift addressed him: "Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of
hic, hæc, hoc, with you."--"Sir," rejoined the doctor, "I shall be happy
to comply, but it must be out of a hujus glass."
XLVIII.--WORDS THAT BURN.
DR. ROBERTSON observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of
the righteous, described in Scripture as being like excellent oil. "Yes,"
exclaimed Burke, "oil of vitriol!"
XLIX.--PASSING THE BOTTLE.
FOOTE being in company, and the wine producing more riot than
concord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to