The Jest Book | Page 4

greet,
too, if you were in his place, and had as little to say."--"Come along
with me, friend, and let's have a glass together; you are too good a
fellow to be here," said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee.
XXII.--A WONDERFUL WOMAN.
WHEN a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her
eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to
resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into "a shock of the
nervous system." Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in
the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered for a
nervous complaint, was asked in her turn, "What brought her to
Buxton?"--"I came only for pleasure," answered the healthy duchess;
"for, thank God, I was born before nerves came into fashion."
XXIII.--A WISE SON WHO KNEW HIS OWN FATHER.
SHERIDAN was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young
woman of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his
son's heart. Sheridan, expatiating on the folly of his son, at length
exclaimed, "Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with
a shilling!" Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and
looking archly at his father said, "Then, sir, you must borrow it."
Sheridan was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.
XXIV.--A WRITTEN CHARACTER.
GEORGE III. having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a
large sheet of paper, completely written over. "What's this?" said his
majesty. "The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought,"
was the answer. "Take it back, take it back," said the king, laughing; "it
will do very well for the next horse you sell."
XXV.--WELL MATCHED.

DR. BUSBY, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day
accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal stature,
with, "May I pass to my seat, O Giant?" When the doctor, politely
making way, replied, "Pass, O Pigmy!"--"O, sir," said the baronet, "my
expression alluded to the size of your intellect."--"And my expression,
sir," said the doctor, "to the size of yours."
XXVI.--A PARDONABLE MISTAKE.
A BUTCHER of some eminence was lately in company with several
ladies at a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one
of the ladies addressing him, asked, "Pray, sir, what are the stakes
now?" To which, ever mindful of his occupation, he immediately
replied, "Madam, the best rump I cannot sell lower than tenpence
halfpenny a pound."
XXVII.--THREE CAUSES.
THREE gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram,
because he was hot. "Bring me another," says his companion, "because
I am cold." The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called
out, "Here, boy, bring me a glass, because I like it."
XXVIII.--THE CONNOISSEUR.
A PERSON to whom the curiosities, buildings, &c., in Oxford were
shown one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see
the remainder of the University. "My dear sir," replied the connoisseur,
"I am stone blind already."
XXIX.--A SYMBOL.
A SATIRIC poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to
walk ever afterwards with a stick. "Mr. P. reminds me," says a wag, "of
some of the saints, who are always painted with the symbols of their
martyrdom."
XXX.--THE ONE THING WANTING.

IN a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her
sister, "I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match; I think you
want the brimstone";--she replied, "No, not the brimstone, only the
spark."
XXXI.--A HORSE LAUGH.
A COACHMAN, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed,
that "if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would bear malice like
a Christian."
XXXII.--ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.
DR. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order
to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the
sexton's misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I
thought you would have been the last man alive to appear against me,
as I have covered so many blunders of yours!"
XXXIII.--A NOVEL COMPLAINT.
A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The
physician felt his pulse, and said, "Do you eat well?"--"Yes," said the
patient. "Do you sleep well?"--"I do."--"Then," said the physician, "I
shall give you something to take away all that!"
XXXIV.--A CONJUGAL CAUTION.
SIR GEORGE ETHEREGE, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented
himself from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent
to dun him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that
he would certainly kiss her if she stirred a step in it! On this, the
message being brought, she called for her