The Inca of Perusalem | Page 7

week-end hotels, closing every career to me except the career of a
waiter. [He puts his fingers on the teapot to test its temperature, and
automatically takes out his watch with the other hand as if to count the
teapot's pulse.] You are right: the tea is cold: it was made by the wife of
a once fashionable architect. The cake is only half toasted: what can
you expect from a ruined west-end tailor whose attempt to establish a
second-hand business failed last Tuesday week? Have you the heart to
complain to the manager? Have we not suffered enough? Are our
miseries nev-- [the manager enters]. Oh Lord! here he is. [The waiter
withdraws abjectly, taking the tea tray with him.]
THE MANAGER. Pardon, Your Highness; but I have received an

urgent inquiry for rooms from an English family of importance; and I
venture to ask you to let me know how long you intend to honor us
with your presence.
THE PRINCESS [rising anxiously]. Oh! am I in the way?
ERMYNTRUDE [sternly]. Sit down, madam. [The Princess sits down
forlornly. Ermyntrude turns imperiously to the Manager.] Her Highness
will require this room for twenty minutes.
THE MANAGER. Twenty minutes!
ERMYNTRUDE. Yes: it will take fully that time to find a proper
apartment in a respectable hotel.
THE MANAGER. I do not understand.
ERMYNTRUDE. You understand perfectly. How dare you offer Her
Highness a room on the second floor?
THE MANAGER. But I have explained. The first floor is occupied. At
least--
ERMYNTRUDE. Well? at least?
THE MANAGER. It is occupied.
ERMYNTRUDE. Don't you dare tell Her Highness a falsehood. It is
not occupied. You are saving it up for the arrival of the five-fifteen
express, from which you hope to pick up some fat armaments
contractor who will drink all the bad champagne in your cellar at 5
francs a bottle, and pay twice over for everything because he is in the
same hotel with Her Highness, and can boast of having turned her out
of the best rooms.
THE MANAGER. But Her Highness was so gracious. I did not know
that Her Highness was at all particular.
ERMYNTRUDE. And you take advantage of Her Highness's
graciousness. You impose on her with your stories. You give her a
room not fit for a dog. You send cold tea to her by a decayed
professional person disguised as a waiter. But don't think you can trifle
with me. I am a lady's maid; and I know the ladies' maids and valets of
all the aristocracies of Europe and all the millionaires of America.
When I expose your hotel as the second-rate little hole it is, not a soul
above the rank of a curate with a large family will be seen entering it. I
shake its dust off my feet. Order the luggage to be taken down at once.
THE MANAGER [appealing to the Princess]. Can Your Highness
believe this of me? Have I had the misfortune to offend Your

Highness?
THE PRINCESS. Oh no. I am quite satisfied. Please--
ERMYNTRUDE. Is Your Highness dissatisfied with me?
THE PRINCESS [intimidated]. Oh no: please don't think that. I only
meant--
ERMYNTRUDE [to the manager]. You hear. Perhaps you think Her
Highness is going to do the work of teaching you your place herself,
instead of leaving it to her maid.
THE MANAGER. Oh please, mademoiselle. Believe me: our only
wish is to make you perfectly comfortable. But in consequence of the
war, all royal personages now practise a rigid economy, and desire us
to treat them like their poorest subjects.
THE PRINCESS. Oh yes. You are quite right--
ERMYNTRUDE [interrupting]. There! Her Highness forgives you; but
don't do it again. Now go downstairs, my good man, and get that suite
on the first floor ready for us. And send some proper tea. And turn on
the heating apparatus until the temperature in the rooms is comfortably
warm. And have hot water put in all the bedrooms--
THE MANAGER. There are basins with hot and cold taps.
ERMYNTRUDE [scornfully]. Yes: there WOULD be. Suppose we
must put up with that: sinks in our rooms, and pipes that rattle and bang
and guggle all over the house whenever anyone washes his hands. I
know.
THE MANAGER [gallant]. You are hard to please, mademoiselle.
ERMYNTRUDE. No harder than other people. But when I'm not
pleased I'm not too ladylike to say so. That's all the difference. There is
nothing more, thank you.
The Manager shrugs his shoulders resignedly; makes a deep bow to the
Princess; goes to the door; wafts a kiss surreptitiously to Ermyntrude;
and goes out.
THE PRINCESS. It's wonderful! How have you the courage?
ERMYNTRUDE. In Your Highness's service I know no fear. Your
Highness can leave all unpleasant people to me.
THE