The Inca of Perusalem | Page 6

war, Your Highness, the war.
THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, of course. But how--
ERMYNTRUDE [taking out her handkerchief and showing signs of
grief]. My poor mistress--
THE PRINCESS. Oh please say no more. Don't think about it. So
tactless of me to mention it.
ERMYNTRUDE [mastering her emotion and smiling through her
tears]. Your Highness is too good.
THE PRINCESS. Do you think you could be happy with me? I attach
such importance to that.
ERMYNTRUDE [gushing]. Oh, I know--I shall.
THE PRINCESS. You must not expect too much. There is my uncle.
He is very severe and hasty; and he is my guardian. I once had a maid I
liked very much; but he sent her away the very first time.
ERMYNTRUDE. The first time of what, Your Highness?
THE PRINCESS. Oh, something she did. I am sure she had never done
it before; and I know she would never have done it again, she was so
truly contrite and nice about it.
ERMYNTRUDE. About what, Your Highness?

THE PRINCESS. Well, she wore my jewels and one of my dresses at a
rather improper ball with her young man; and my uncle saw her.
ERYMNTRUDE. Then he was at the ball too, Your Highness?
THE PRINCESS [struck by the inference]. I suppose he must have
been. I wonder! You know, it's very sharp of you to find that out. I
hope you are not too sharp.
ERMYNTRUDE. A lady's maid has to be, Your Highness. [She
produces some letters.] Your Highness wishes to see my testimonials,
no doubt. I have one from an Archdeacon. [She proffers the letters.]
THE PRINCESS [taking them]. Do archdeacons have maids? How
curious!
ERMYNTRUDE. No, Your Highness. They have daughters. I have
first-rate testimonials from the Archdeacon and from his daughter.
THE PRINCESS [reading them]. The daughter says you are in every
respect a treasure. The Archdeacon says he would have kept you if he
could possibly have afforded it. Most satisfactory, I'm sure.
ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged then, Your
Highness?
THE PRINCESS [alarmed]. Oh, I'm sure I don't know. If you like, of
course; but do you think I ought to?
ERMYNTRUDE. Naturally I think Your Highness ought to, most
decidedly.
THE PRINCESS. Oh well, if you think that, I daresay you're quite right.
You'll excuse my mentioning it, I hope; but what wages-- er--?
ERMYNTRUDE. The same as the maid who went to the ball. Your
Highness need not make any change.
THE PRINCESS. M'yes. Of course she began with less. But she had
such a number of relatives to keep! It was quite heartbreaking: I had to
raise her wages again and again.
ERMYNTRUDE. I shall be quite content with what she began on; and
I have no relatives dependent on me. And I am willing to wear my own
dresses at balls.
THE PRINCESS. I am sure nothing could be fairer than that. My uncle
can't object to that, can he?
ERMYNTRUDE. If he does, Your Highness, ask him to speak to me
about it. I shall regard it as part of my duties to speak to your uncle
about matters of business.

THE PRINCESS. Would you? You must be frightfully courageous.
ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged, Your Highness? I
should like to set about my duties immediately.
THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, I think so. Oh certainly. I--
A waiter comes in with the tea. He places the tray on the table.
THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you.
ERMYNTRUDE [raising the cover from the tea cake and looking at it].
How long has that been standing at the top of the stairs?
THE PRINCESS [terrified]. Oh please! It doesn't matter.
THE WAITER. It has not been waiting. Straight from the kitchen,
madam, believe me.
ERMYNTRUDE. Send the manager here.
THE WAITER. The manager! What do you want with the manager?
ERMYNTRUDE. He will tell you when I have done with him. How
dare you treat Her Highness in this disgraceful manner? What sort of
pothouse is this? Where did you learn to speak to persons of quality?
Take away your cold tea and cold cake instantly. Give them to the
chambermaid you were flirting with whilst Her Highness was waiting.
Order some fresh tea at once; and do not presume to bring it yourself:
have it brought by a civil waiter who is accustomed to wait on ladies,
and not, like you, on commercial travellers.
THE WAITER. Alas, madam, I am not accustomed to wait on anybody.
Two years ago I was an eminent medical man, my waiting-room was
crowded with the flower of the aristocracy and the higher bourgeoisie
from nine to six every day. But the war came; and my patients were
ordered to give up their luxuries. They gave up their doctors, but kept
their