The Inca of Perusalem | Page 5

can find another millionaire to marry you.
ERMYNTRUDE. That's an idea. I will. [She vanishes through the
curtains.]
THE ARCHDEACON. What! Come back. Come back this instant.
[The lights are lowered.] Oh, very well: I have nothing more to say.
[He descends the steps into the auditorium and makes for the door,
grumbling all the time.] Insane, senseless extravagance! [Barking.]
Worthlessness!! [Muttering.] I will not bear it any longer. Dresses, hats,
furs, gloves, motor rides: one bill after another: money going like water.
No restraint, no self-control, no decency. [Shrieking.] I say, no decency!
[Muttering again.] Nice state of things we are coming to! A pretty
world! But I simply will not bear it. She can do as she likes. I wash my
hands of her: I am not going to die in the workhouse for any
good-for-nothing, undutiful, spendthrift daughter; and the sooner that is
understood by everybody the better for all par-- [He is by this time out
of hearing in the corridor.]

THE PLAY
A hotel sitting room. A table in the centre. On it a telephone. Two
chairs at it, opposite one another. Behind it, the door. The fireplace has

a mirror in the mantelpiece.
A spinster Princess, hatted and gloved, is ushered in by the hotel
manager, spruce and artifically bland by professional habit, but treating
his customer with a condescending affability which sails very close to
the east wind of insolence.
THE MANAGER. I am sorry I am unable to accommodate Your
Highness on the first floor.
THE PRINCESS [very shy and nervous.] Oh, please don't mention it.
This is quite nice. Very nice. Thank you very much.
THE MANAGER. We could prepare a room in the annexe--
THE PRINCESS. Oh no. This will do very well.
She takes of her gloves and hat: puts them on the table; and sits down.
THE MANAGER. The rooms are quite as good up here. There is less
noise; and there is the lift. If Your Highness desires anything, there is
the telephone--
THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you, I don't want anything. The telephone
is so difficult: I am not accustomed to it.
THE MANAGER. Can I take any order? Some tea?
THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you. Yes: I should like some tea, if I
might--if it would not be too much trouble.
He goes out. The telephone rings. The Princess starts out of her chair,
terrified, and recoils as far as possible from the instrument.
THE PRINCESS. Oh dear! [It rings again. She looks scared. It rings
again. She approaches it timidly. It rings again. She retreats hastily. It
rings repeatedly. She runs to it in desperation and puts the receiver to
her ear.] Who is there? What do I do? I am not used to the telephone: I
don't know how-- What! Oh, I can hear you speaking quite distinctly.
[She sits down, delighted, and settles herself for a conversation.] How
wonderful! What! A lady? Oh! a person. Oh, yes: I know. Yes, please,
send her up. Have my servants finished their lunch yet? Oh no: please
don't disturb them: I'd rather not. It doesn't matter. Thank you. What?
Oh yes, it's quite easy. I had no idea-- am I to hang it up just as it was?
Thank you. [She hangs it up.]
Ermyntrude enters, presenting a plain and staid appearance in a long
straight waterproof with a hood over her head gear. She comes to the
end of the table opposite to that at which the Princess is seated.
THE PRINCESS. Excuse me. I have been talking through the

telephone: and I heard quite well, though I have never ventured before.
Won't you sit down?
ERMYNTRUDE. No, thank you, Your Highness. I am only a lady's
maid. I understood you wanted one.
THE PRINCESS. Oh no: you mustn't think I want one. It's so
unpatriotic to want anything now, on account of the war, you know. I
sent my maid away as a public duty; and now she has married a soldier
and is expecting a war baby. But I don't know how to do without her.
I've tried my very best; but somehow it doesn't answer: everybody
cheats me; and in the end it isn't any saving. So I've made up my mind
to sell my piano and have a maid. That will be a real saving, because I
really don't care a bit for music, though of course one has to pretend to.
Don't you think so?
ERMYNTRUDE. Certainly I do, Your Highness. Nothing could be
more correct. Saving and self-denial both at once; and an act of
kindness to me, as I am out of place.
THE PRINCESS. I'm so glad you see it in that way. Er--you won't
mind my asking, will you?--how did you lose your place?
ERMYNTRUDE. The