The Good Housekeeping Marriage Book | Page 7

whose meaning goes forward along with our
advancing civilization.

Dr. James L. McConaughy
CHAPTER TWO
Now That You Are Engaged
"Love is blind," says the adage. "Love should be open-eyed and wise,"
say the modern engaged couple.
A successful marriage depends upon two factors--emotions and brains;
no marriage succeeds unless these are combined. "Falling in love" is
essential, but one can fall out of love as well. Falling in love is the
business of the emotions; staying there, holding your lover's affection,
requires brains.
A lifetime of happy intimacy between two individuals as different as a
young man and a young women can be attained if the mind is used. It is
only the old fogy who thinks modern young people "know too much."
Psychology teaches us that all emotions deserve study; if they are
wisely utilized, happiness results; if they are thoughtlessly spent or
thwarted, we may pay the price in unsatisfied lives, broken hopes,
sometimes in psychiatric disturbances.
The engagement period--if it is approached intelligently--can be a time

not only of supreme happiness, but of wise growth in understanding
and preparation for marriage. Unfortunately, modern young people
sometimes resent the idea that any one else can help them solve their
problems. Advice may seem to them interference. "We are going to live
our own lives. Why should any one else care what we do? Why should
outsiders feel that they have a right to tell us 'do' or 'don't'?" Such an
attitude is understandable, but it is unfortunate, and the young people
are the ones who suffer. Perhaps it is true that the older generation feels
that it must advise youth, even attempting to control it; but it is also
true that we, nearer the end of the road, should be qualified to furnish a
map of the way to those about to start out upon it. Thanks to modern
scientific methods, the map is now much more accurate than the one
handed over to us. There are certain well-charted highroads where there
were once only brambled trails.
Among the scientific methods are the statistical studies of marriage;
these show certain interesting conclusions. College people have a
higher percentage of successful marriages--at least, they show a lower
divorce ratio. Apparently college graduates use their minds in picking a
mate and in preparing for marriage. Marriages between those who have
gone to coeducational colleges appear to have a still higher chance of
success. This is probably the result of close association between the
sexes in such institutions. But the use of one's mind is what is important;
marriage can be fully as successful for those who are not
college-trained.
According to statistical studies, overdominance by parents decreases
the chance of successful marriage. Apron strings never aid engaged
couples. A good rule for families is to let the young people avail
themselves of parental suggestion, not to force dictates upon them.
Statistically, more marriages succeed if each partner has had an earlier
love affair. It is, say the experts, an asset to have had boy or girl friends
with whom you thought for a time you were in love. Of course all of us
know completely happy marriages of boy and girl sweethearts; most of
us also know unhappy couples who first became engaged during their
teens, one of whom has entirely outgrown the other, with mismating as

a result.
Such mismating is not at first apparent--may not be for several years.
The man usually, by the nature of his occupation, meets more people
than does the woman. He finds himself in more varied and interesting
situations, and may become a more colorful, a bigger person than his
wife. Occasionally the converse may be true. At any rate, it is a tragic
thing when either husband or wife so far outgrows the other that they
have no common interest, no mutual pleasures.
The engagement period is the time to prove the quality of love. Are
you--the girl--capable of growth? Can you, harassed by household tasks,
keep up with your husband as he develops in the world of men? Are
you--the man--so congenial with this girl whom you wish to marry that
you will want to share your experiences with her, in situations very
different from those of courtship and engagement days?
The engagement period itself is not altogether an easy time. Wise
young people can make it one of fuller acquaintance and of growth in
thoughtfulness and courtesy. On the other hand, most engaged couples
will discover small faults in each other, even when they are deeply in
love. Details that had been invisible before may now loom large.
Carelessness in personal habits, manners, speech, and attitude may
become irritants that jeopardize romance. A trait that may have been a
source of amusement before now becomes irritating and exasperating.
If the