The Foolish Dictionary | Page 5

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=DISCRETION= An instinctive perception that enables us to say, "Oh, shut up!" to the small, weak man, and "I beg your pardon, but I do not entirely agree with your views," to the large, strong one.
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=DIVE= A gambler's retreat.
=DIVIDENDS= A gambler's reward.
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=DIVORCE= Nominally, separation of husband and wife from the bonds of matrimony. In the vicinity of Newport it is frequently a legal formula that immediately precedes a fashionable wedding.
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=DOCK= A place for laying up.
=DOCTOR= One who lays you up.
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=DREAM= What a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have suggested it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come true; wives, because they're often a night-mare, and both because they go by contraries.
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=DRAFT= (=DRAUGHT=) What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill.
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=DROP-STITCH= A kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the men from paying too much attention to the open-work, "peek-a-boo" shirt-waist.
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=DRUM= Something noisy, and made to beat.
=DRUMMER= Something noisy, but impossible to beat. From the Grk. drimus, meaning sharp. Hence, something sharp, that always carries its point and sticks whoever it can.
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=DUST= Mud with the juice squeezed out.
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=DYNAMITE=
[Illustration]
The peroration of an anarchist's argument.
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=DYSPEPSIA= A good foundation for a bad temper.

Out of sight, only in mind.--Ballad of the Blind Beggar.
E
A word to the wise is useless.

=EAGLE= The national bird of a Christian country; (the United States.) Presumably chosen on account of its being a bird of pray.
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=EARL= A title of nobility.
=EARLY= A title of stupidity. See old saw,
"Early to bed and early to rise, Makes a man a farmer!"
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=EARTH=
[Illustration]
A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.
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=ECHO= The only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word.
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=ECONOMY= Denying ourselves a necessary to-day in order to buy a luxury to-morrow.
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=EGG=
[Illustration]
A wholesome, yet fowl, product, of no use until broken. Sometimes a cure for indigestion or bad acting.
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=ELECTION=
[Illustration]
A periodical picnic for the American People. Held in booths, where the Voter puts in his ballot, and The Machine elects whatever it chooses. A day when the lowliest may make their mark and even beggars may ride; when the Glad Mit gets promiscuous and everything is full--particularly the lodging-houses.
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=ENCORE= A greedy theatre-goer's desire to get more than his money's worth. From the Fr. en, among, and cochon, pig,--common among pigs.
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=ENGAGEMENT= In war, a battle. In love, the salubrious calm that precedes the real hostilities.
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=ENTHUSIAST= One who preaches four times as much as he believes and believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.
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=EPITAPH= A statement that usually lies above about the one who lies beneath.
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=EQUATOR=
[Illustration]
An imaginary line around the earth. Recently held by J.P. Morgan.
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=ERR= To make a mistake.
=ERRATIC= Full of mistakes.
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=ETHER= One of the world's three great composers--the others being Gas and Chloroform--whose airs are popular among the suffering.
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=ETIQUETTE= A convenient code of conduct which makes Lying a virtue and Snobbishness a righteous deed.
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=EVOLUTION= A clever trick performed by one Darwin, who made a monkey of Adam.
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=EXCURSION= From ex. former, and Grk. kairo, to enjoy. Hence, a tiresome journey--formerly an enjoyment--sold at half price.
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=EXERCISE= Bodily exertion requiring a $10,000 gymnasium, a ten-acre lot and impossible raiment. Originally confined to the wash-tub and the wood-pile.
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=EXPANSION= A combination of Grand Larceny and Piracy, involving the destruction of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence.--Boston.
The benevolent assimilation of previously oppressed peoples--Washington, D.C.
A doubtful commercial experiment.--Wall Street.
The white man's burden.--Kipling.
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=EXPLOSION= A good chance to begin at the bottom and work up.
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=EXPOSITION= An overgrown Department Store, usually opened a year or two behind time.

It's never too late to spend.
F
A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet.

=FACE= A fertile, open expanse, lying midway between collar button and scalp, and full of cheek, chin and chatter. The crop of the male face is hair, harvested daily by a lather, or allowed to run to mutton-chops, spinach or full lace curtains. The female face product is powder, whence the expression, "Shoot off your face." Each is supplied with lamps, snufflers and bread boxes.
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=FAILURE= The quickest method known for making money.
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=FEINT= A pugilist's bluff.
=FAINT= A woman's bluff.
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