The Foolish Dictionary | Page 3

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=BOARD= An implement for administering corporal punishment, used by mothers and land-ladies. "The Festive Board" may be a shingle, a hair-brush a fish-hash breakfast or a stewed prune supper.
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=BOHEMIA= (Not on the map.) A land flowing with canned milk and distilled honey and untroubled by consistency, convention, conscience or cash. A land to which many are called and few chosen.
=BONE= One Dollar--the original price of a wife. Note, Adam, who had to give up one bone before he got Eve.
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=BONNETS= A female head trouble, which is contracted the latter part of Lent and breaks out on Easter.
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=BOODLE= Money, born of poor, but dishonest parents, and taken in by the Graft family.
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=BORROW= v. t., to swap hot air for cold coin.
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=BOWER= A shady retreat, in general.
=BOWERY= A shady retreat in New York.
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=BRACE= Security for the trousers.
=BRACER= Security for the stomach.
=BRACELET= Security for the pawn-broker.
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=BRAIN= The top-floor apartment in the Human Block, known as the Cranium, and kept by the Sarah Sisters--Sarah Brum and Sarah Belum, assisted by Medulla Oblongata. All three are nervous, but are always confined to their cells. The Brain is done in gray and white, and furnished with light and heat, hot or cold water, (if desired), with regular connections to the outside world by way of the Spinal Circuit. Usually occupied by the Intellect Bros.,--Thoughts and Ideas--as an Intelligence Office, but sometimes sub-let to Jag, Hang-Over & Co.
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=BRAND= Something carried on the hip, by either beast or man. Can be found on the outside of a short, red steer, or the inside of a long, black bottle.
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=BRASS BAND= A clever though somewhat complicated arrangement for holding a crowd together.
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=BRICK= An admirable person made of the right sort of clay and possessing plenty of sand. What your friends call you before you go to the wall--but never afterward.
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=BRIMSTONE= A little bit of Hades, which finds its match on earth and smells to heaven. Better to strike it here than in the hereafter.
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=BREVITY= A desirable quality in the Fourth of July oration but not in the fireworks.
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=BROKE= A word expressing the ultimate condition of one who is too much bent on speculating.
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=BUM= A fallen tough.
=BUMP= A tough fall.
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=BUNCO= The art of disseminating knowledge in the rural districts.
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=BY-STANDER= One who is injured in a street fight.

People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark.
C
Don't put all your eggs in one basket--try an incubator.

=CAB= Affair for a drive.
=CABBY= Driver for a fare.
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=CACHINNATION=
[Illustration]
The hysterical "Ha-Ha." Syn. for Carrie Nation.
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=CADDIE= A small boy, employed at a liberal stipend to lose balls for others and find them for himself.
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=CAFE= A place where the public pays the proprietor for the privilege of tipping the waiters for something to eat.
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=CAJOLE= v. t., From Grk. kalos, beautiful, and Eng. jolly, to jolly beautifully.
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=CALCIUM= An earthly light that brightens even the stars.
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=CANNIBAL= A heathen hobo who never works, but lives on other people.
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=CAPTIVATE= From Lat. caput, head, and Eng. vacate, or empty,--to empty the head. Note, Women who have captivated men.
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=CAPE= A neck in the sea.
=CAPER= A foot in the air.
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=CARNEGIE-ITIS=
[Illustration]
A mania for burning money. Contracted in a Pennsylvania blast furnace, developed in a Scotch castle and now epidemic in American public libraries.
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=CART= v. t., To take off.
=CARTOON= The take-off.
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=CAULIFLOWER= A Cabbage with a college education.
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=CAVALRY= That arm of the military service that engages in the real hoss-tilities.
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=CEMETERY= The one place where princes and paupers, porters and presidents are finally on the dead level.
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=CHAMPAGNE= The stuff that makes the world go round.
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=CHAIR= Four-legged aid to the injured.
=CHARITY= Forehanded aid to the indigent.
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=CHAUFFEUR= A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.
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=CHRISTIAN= A member of any orthodox church.
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=CHRISTMAS= A widely observed holiday on which the past nor the future is of so much interest as the present.
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=CHUMP= Any one whose opinion differs radically from ours.
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=CIGARETTE= A weed whose smoke, some say, should never be inhaled, and still more insist should never be exhaled.
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