The Foolish Dictionary | Page 2

spelling, allay money).
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=ALLOPATHY= From Eng. all, everybody, and Grk. pathos, pain. Pain for everybody. =HOMOEOPATHY= From Grk. homoios, same, and pathos. Pain, just the same.
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=ALPHABET= A toy for the children found in books, blocks, pictures and vermicelli soup. Contains 26 letters and only three syllables.
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=ANCESTORS= The originators of the Family Tree, a remarkable sex paradox in which the Ann sisters are always the four fathers.
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=ANGEL= A heavenly ineligible, with wings and a harp; or, an earthly eligible, with money and a heart.
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=ANTI-ROOMS= Euphemistic term for Canfield's, New York City.
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=ANTI-IMPERIALIST= A patriot whose conscience works overtime.
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=ANTIMONY= A metallic substance discovered by Valentine in 1450, and now extensively used in the arts--particularly poker.
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=APPENDICITIS= A modern pain, costing about $200 more than the old-fashioned stomach-ache.
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=ARGUMENT= Breaking and entering the ear, assault and battery on the brain and disturbing the peace.
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=ARSON= Derived from the Hebrew. (See =INSURANCE=).
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=ARTIST= Commonly, the individual long haired and short-suited, having a positive pose and an uncertain income. Often shy on meal-tickets but strong on technique and the price of tripe sandwiches. An artist may be a barber, a boot-black, a Sargent or a Paderewski.
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=ATHLETE=
[Illustration]
A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift the ashes.
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=AUGUR= One who bored the ancients with prophecies.
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=AUTOMOBILE=
[Illustration]
From Eng. ought to, and Lat. moveo, to move. A vehicle which ought to move, but frequently can't.
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=AUTOMOBILIST= A land lubber on wheels made up to resemble a deep sea diver.

Fine feathers make fine feather-beds.
B
A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure.

=BABY=
[Illustration]
From Grk. babai, wonderful. Parents are yet to be heard from who don't think theirs is a "wonder."
A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping-car is eager to give a wide berth.
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=BACHELOR= From Latin baculus, a stick, unattached. Hence, an unattached man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get stuck on.
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=BACKBITER= A mosquito.
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=BALANCE= Something wanted by book-keepers and often lost by topers. May be found in a cash-book or the kangaroo gait.
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=BANDIT= An outlaw. See =ALDERMAN=.
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=BARBER= A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair. Syn. for Phonograph.
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=BARS= Things found in harbors, hotels, fences, prisons, courts and music. (Those found in courts and in music are full of beats).
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=BARGAIN=
[Illustration]
A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and developed in department stores on Mondays. Symptoms, loud talk, pushing and shoving, a combination prize-fight and foot-ball scrimmage. (Old spelling Bark-gain).
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=BASEBALL= A game in which the young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it.
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=BAT= Senior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and never found without the rest of the firm, as it takes several high-balls to make one short bat.
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=BEACH= A strip of sand, skirted by water; covered with lady-killers in summer, life-savers in winter, and used as a haven--or heaven--for Smacks the year around.
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=BENEDICT= A married male.
=BENEDICTINE= A married female.
=BENEDICTION= Their children.
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=BERTH= An aid to sleep, invented by Pullman. Lower preferred.
=BIRTH= An aid to life, discovered by Woman. Higher preferred.
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=BICYCLE-SKIRT= A abbreviated garment that makes women look shorter and men longer.
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=BIGAMY= A form of insanity in which a man insists on paying three board bills instead of two.
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=BILLIOUSNESS= A liver complaint often mistaken for piety.
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=BILL-OF-FARE= A list of eatables. Distinguished from Menu by figures in the right-hand column.
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=BIOGRAPH= A stereopticon picture taken with a chill and shown with tremors.
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=BIRDIE= A term a woman is apt to apply to a man she is playing for a jay.
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=BIRTHDAY= Anniversary of one's birth. Observed only by men and children.
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=BLUBBER= The useful product of a dead whale. The useless product of a live baby.
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=BLUE= The only color we can feel. =INVISIBLE BLUE= A policeman.
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=BLUSH= A temporary erythema and calorific effulgence of the physiognomy, aeteologized by the perceptiveness of the sensorium, in a predicament of inequilibrity, from a sense of shame, anger or other cause, eventuating in a paresis of the vase-motorial, muscular filaments of the facial capillaries, whereby, being divested of their elasticity, they become suffused with a radiance emanating from an intimidated praecordia.
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