The Elevator | Page 6

eggs, and a file of the 'Daily Advertiser.' They cut the elevator loose at
the top, and you drop."

BOTH LADIES: "Oh!"
LAWTON: "In three seconds you arrive at the ground-floor, reading
your file of the 'Daily Advertiser;' not an egg broken nor a drop spilled.
I saw it done in a New York hotel. The air is compressed under the
elevator, and acts as a sort of ethereal buffer."
MRS. ROBERTS: "And why don't we always go down in that way?"
LAWTON: "Because sometimes the walls of the elevator shaft give
out."
MRS. ROBERTS: "And what then?"
LAWTON: "Then the elevator stops more abruptly. I had a friend who
tried it when this happened."
MRS. ROBERTS: "And what did he do?"
LAWTON: "Stepped out of the elevator; laughed; cried; went home;
got into bed: and did not get up for six weeks. Nervous shock. He was
fortunate."
MRS. MILLER: "I shouldn't think you'd want an air-cushion on YOUR
elevator, Mrs. Roberts."
MRS. ROBERTS: "No, indeed! Horrid!" The bell rings. "Edward,
YOU go and see if that's Aunt Mary."
MRS. MILLER: "It's Mr. Miller, I know."
BEMIS: "Or my son."
LAWTON: "My voice is for Mrs. Roberts's brother. I've given up all
hopes of my daughter."
ROBERTS, without: "Oh, Curwen! Glad to see you! Thought you were
my wife's aunt."
LAWTON, at a suppressed sigh from MRS. ROBERTS: "It's one of his
jokes, Mrs. Roberts. Of course it's your aunt."
MRS. ROBERTS, through her set teeth, smilingly: "Oh, if it IS, I'll
make him suffer for it."
MR. CURWEN, without: "No, I hated to wait, so I walked up."
LAWTON: "It is Mr. Curwen, after all, Mrs. Roberts. Now let me see
how a lady transmutes a frown of threatened vengeance into a smile of
society welcome."
MRS. ROBERTS: "Well, look!" To MR. CURWEN, who enters,
followed by her husband: "Ah, Mr. Curwen! So glad to see you. You
know all our friends here--Mrs. Miller, Dr. Lawton, and Mr. Bemis?"
CURWEN, smiling and bowing, and shaking hands right and left:

"Very glad--very happy--pleased to know you."
MRS. ROBERTS, behind her fan to Dr. Lawton: "Didn't I do it
beautifully?"
LAWTON, behind his hand: "Wonderfully! And so unconscious of the
fact that he hasn't his wife with him."
MRS. ROBERTS, in great astonishment, to Mr. Curwen: "Where in the
world is Mrs. Curwen?"
CURWEN: "Oh--oh--she'll be here. I thought she was here. She started
from home with two right-hand gloves, and I had to go back for a left,
and I--I suppose--Good heavens!" pulling the glove out of his pocket.
"I ought to have sent it to her in the ladies' dressing-room." He remains
with the glove held up before him, in spectacular stupefaction.
LAWTON: "Only imagine what Mrs. Curwen would be saying of you
if she were in the dressing-room."
ROBERTS: "Mr. Curwen felt so sure she was there that he wouldn't
wait to take the elevator, and walked up." Another ring is heard. "Shall
I go and meet your aunt NOW, my dear?"
MRS. ROBERTS: "No, indeed! She may come in now with all the
formality she chooses, and I will receive her excuses in state." She
waves her fan softly to and fro, concealing a murmur of trepidation
under an indignant air, till the portiere opens, and MR. WILLIS
CAMPBELL enters. Then MRS. ROBERTS breaks in nervous
agitation "Why, Willis! Where's Aunt Mary?"
MRS. MILLER: "And Mr. Miller?"
CURWEN: "And Mrs. Curwen?"
LAWTON: "And my daughter?"
BEMIS: "And my son?"
MR. CAMPBELL, looking tranquilly round on the faces of his
interrogators: "Is it a conundrum?"
MRS. ROBERTS, mingling a real distress with an effort of
mock-heroic solemnity: "It is a tragedy! O Willis dear! it's what you
see--what you hear; a niece without an aunt, a wife without a husband,
a father without a son, and another father without a daughter."
ROBERTS: "And a dinner getting cold, and a cook getting hot."
LAWTON: "And you are expected to account for the whole situation."
CAMPBELL: "Oh, I understand! I don't know what your little game is,
Agnes, but I can wait and see. I'M not hungry."

MRS. ROBERTS: "Willis, do you think I would try and play a trick on
you, if I could?"
CAMPBELL: "I think you can't. Come, now, Agnes! It's a failure. Own
up, and bring the rest of the company out of the next room. I suppose
almost anything is allowable at this festive season, but this is pretty
feeble."
MRS. ROBERTS: "Indeed, indeed, they are not there."
CAMPBELL: "Where are they, then?"
ALL: "That's what we don't know."
CAMPBELL: "Oh, come, now! that's a little too thin. You don't know
where ANY of all these blood-relations and connections by marriage
are? Well, search me!"
MRS. ROBERTS, in open distress: "Oh, I'm sure something must have
happened to