The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, part 2 | Page 8

I'm not a politician and my other habits air good. I've no enemys to
reward, nor friends to sponge. But I'm a Union man. I luv the Union--it
is a Big thing--and it makes my hart bleed to see a lot of ornery peple
a-movin heaven--no, not heaven, but the other place--and earth, to bust

it up. Toe much good blud was spilt in courtin and marryin that hily
respectable female the Goddess of Liberty, to git a divorce from her
now. My own State of Injianny is celebrated for unhitchin marrid peple
with neatness and dispatch, but you can't get a divorce from the
Goddess up there. Not by no means. The old gal has behaved herself
too well to cast her off now. I'm sorry the picters don't give her no
shoes or stockins, but the band of stars upon her hed must continner to
shine undimd, forever. I'm for the Union as she air, and withered be the
arm of every ornery cuss who attempts to bust her up. That's me. I hav
sed! [It was a very sweaty day, and at this pint of the orashun a man fell
down with sunstroke. I told the awjince that considerin the large
number of putty gals present I was more afraid of a DAWTER
STROKE. This was impromptoo, and seemed to amoose them very
much.]
Feller Citizens--I hain't got time to notis the growth of Ameriky frum
the time when the Mayflowers cum over in the Pilgrim and brawt
Plymouth Rock with them, but every skool boy nose our kareer has
been tremenjis. You will excuse me if I don't prase the erly settlers of
the Kolonies. Peple which hung idiotic old wimin for witches, burnt
holes in Quakers' tongues and consined their feller critters to the
tredmill and pillery on the slitest provocashun may hav bin very nice
folks in their way, but I must confess I don't admire their stile, and will
pass them by. I spose they ment well, and so, in the novel and techin
langwidge of the nusepapers, "peas to their ashis." Thare was no
diskount, however, on them brave men who fit, bled and died in the
American Revolushun. We needn't be afraid of setting 'em up two steep.
Like my show, they will stand any amount of prase. G. Washington
was abowt the best man this world ever sot eyes on. He was a
clear-heded, warm-harted, and stiddy goin man. He never slopt over!
The prevailin weakness of most public men is to SLOP OVER! [Put
them words in large letters--A. W.] They git filled up and slop. They
Rush Things. They travel too much on the high presher principle. They
git on to the fust poplar hobbyhoss whitch trots along, not carin a sent
whether the beest is even goin, clear sited and sound or spavined, blind
and bawky. Of course they git throwed eventooally, if not sooner.
When they see the multitood goin it blind they go Pel Mel with it,
instid of exerting theirselves to set it right. They can't see that the

crowd which is now bearin them triumfantly on its shoulders will soon
diskiver its error and cast them into the hoss pond of Oblivyun, without
the slitest hesitashun. Washington never slopt over. That wasn't
George's stile. He luved his country dearly. He wasn't after the spiles.
He was a human angil in a 3 kornerd hat and knee britches, and we
shan't see his like right away. My frends, we can't all be Washingtons
but we kin all be patrits & behave ourselves in a human and a Christian
manner. When we see a brother goin down hill to Ruin let us not give
him a push, but let us seeze rite hold of his coat tails and draw him
back to Morality.
Imagine G. Washington and P. Henry in the character of seseshers! As
well fancy John Bunyan and Dr. Watts in spangled tites, doin the
trapeze in a one-horse circus!
I tell you, feller-citizens, it would have bin ten dollars in Jeff Davis's
pocket if he'd never bin born!
* * * * * * * *
Be shure and vote at leest once at all elecshuns. Buckle on yer armer
and go to the Poles. See two it that your naber is there. See that the
kripples air provided with carriages. Go to the poles and stay all day.
Bewair of the infamous lise whitch the Opposishun will be sartin to git
up fur perlitical effek on the eve of eleckshun. To the poles and when
you git there vote jest as you darn please. This is a privilege we all
persess, and it is 1 of the booties of this grate and free land.
I see mutch to admire in New Englan. Your