The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, part 2 | Page 7

At the next station I didn't get orf so easy. I was dragged out of the cars
and rolled in the mud for several minits, for the purpose of "takin the
conseet out of me," as a Secesher kindly stated.
I was let up finally, when a powerful large Secesher came up and
embraced me, and to show that he had no hard feelins agin me, put his
nose into my mouth. I returned the compliment by placin my stummick
suddenly agin his right foot, when he kindly made a spittoon of his
able-bodied face. Actooated by a desire to see whether the Secesher
had bin vaxinated I then fastened my teeth onto his left coat-sleeve and
tore it to the shoulder. We then vilently bunted out heads together for a
few minutes, danced around a little, and sot down in a mudpuddle. We
riz to our feet agin and by a sudden and adroit movement I placed my
left eye agin the Secesher's fist. We then rushed into each other's arms
and fell under a two-hoss wagon. I was very much exhaustid and didn't
care about gettin up agin, but the man sed he reckoned I'd better, and I
conclooded I would. He pulled me up, but I hadn't bin on my feet
more'n two seconds afore the ground flew up and hit me in the hed. The
crowd sed it was high old sport, but I couldn't zackly see where the
lafture come in. I riz and we embraced agin. We careered madly to a
steep bank, when I got the upper hands of my antaggernist and threw
him into the raveen. He fell about forty feet, striking a grindstone pretty
hard. I understood he was injured. I haven't heard from the grindstone.
A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as though a apology was
doo me. There was a mistake. The crowd had taken me for another man!
I told him not to mention it, and axed him if his wife and little ones was
so as to be about, and got on bored the train, which had stopped at that
station "20 minits for refreshments." I got all I wantid. It was the
hartiest meal I ever et.
I was rid on a rale the next day, a bunch of blazin fire crackers bein tied
to my coat tales. It was a fine spectycal in a dramatic pint of view, but I

didn't enjoy it. I had other adventers of a startlin kind, but why
continner? Why lasserate the Public Boozum with these here things?
Suffysit to say I got across Mason & Dixie's line safe at last. I made
tracks for my humsted, but she to whom I'm harnist for life failed to
recognize, in the emashiated bein who stood before her, the gushin
youth of forty-six summers who had left her only a few months afore.
But I went into the pantry, and brought out a certin black bottle. Raisin
it to my lips, I sed "Here's to you, old gal!" I did it so natral that she
knowed me at once. "Those form! Them voice! That natral stile of doin
things! 'Tis he!" she cried, and rushed into my arms. It was too much
for her & she fell into a swoon. I cum very near swoundin myself.
No more to-day from yours for the Pepetration of the Union, and the
bringin of the Goddess of Liberty out of her present bad fix.
2.3. FOURTH OF JULY ORATION.
Delivered July 4th, at Weathersfield, Connecticut, 1859.
[I delivered the follerin, about two years ago, to a large and
discriminating awjince. I was 96 minits passin a givin pint. I have
revised the orashun, and added sum things which makes it approposser
to the times than it otherwise would be. I have also corrected the
grammers and punktooated it. I do my own punktooatin now days. The
Printers in "Vanity Fair" offiss can't punktooate worth a cent.]
FELLER CITIZENS: I've bin honored with a invite to norate before
you to-day; and when I say that I skurcely feel ekal to the task, I'm sure
you will believe me.
Weathersfield is justly celebrated for her onyins and patritism the world
over, and to be axed to paws and address you on this my fust
perfeshernal tower threw New Englan, causes me to feel--to feel--I may
say it causes me to FEEL. (Grate applaws. They thought this was one
of my eccentricities, while the fact is I was stuck. This between you and
I.)
I'm a plane man. I don't know nothin about no ded languages and am a
little shaky on livin ones. There4, expect no flowry talk from me. What
I shall say will be to the pint, right strate out.