The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, part 2 | Page 9

gals in partickular air
abowt as snug bilt peaces of Calliker as I ever saw. They air fully equal
to the corn fed gals of Ohio and Injianny and will make the bestest kind
of wives. It sets my Buzzum on fire to look at 'em.
Be still, my sole, be still, & you, Hart, stop cuttin up!
I like your skool houses, your meetin houses, your enterprise,
gumpshun &c., but your favorit Bevridge I disgust. I allude to New
England Rum. It is wuss nor the korn whisky of Injianny, which eats
threw stone jugs & will turn the stummuck of the most shiftliss Hog. I
seldom seek consolashun in the flowin Bole, but tother day I wurrid
down some of your Rum. The fust glass indused me to sware like a
infooriated trooper. On takin the secund glass I was seezed with a
desire to break winders, & arter imbibin the third glass I knockt a small
boy down, pickt his pocket of a New York Ledger, and wildly

commenced readin Sylvanus Kobb's last Tail. Its drefful stuff--a sort of
lickwid litenin, gut up under the personal supervishun of the
devil--tears men's inards all to peaces and makes their noses blossum as
the Lobster. Shun it as you would a wild hyeny with a firebrand tied to
his tale, and while you air abowt it you will do a first-rate thing for
yourself and everybody abowt you by shunnin all kinds of intoxicatin
lickers. You don't need 'em no more'n a cat needs 2 tales, sayin nothin
abowt the trubble and sufferin they cawse. But unless your inards air
cast iron, avoid New England's favorite Bevrige.
My frends, I'm dun. I tear myself away from you with tears in my eyes
& a pleasant oder of Onyins abowt my close. In the langwidge of
Mister Catterline to the Rummuns, I go, but perhaps I shall cum back
agin. Adoo, people of Weathersfield. Be virtoous & you'll be happy!
2.4. THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE.
As soon as I'd recooperated my physikil system, I went over into the
village. The peasantry was glad to see me. The skoolmaster sed it was
cheerin to see that gigantic intelleck among 'em onct more. That's what
he called me. I like the skoolmaster, and allers send him tobacker when
I'm off on a travelin campane. Besides, he is a very sensible man. Such
men must be encouraged.
They don't git news very fast in Baldinsville, as nothin but a plank road
runs in there twice a week, and that's very much out of repair. So my
nabers wasn't much posted up in regard to the wars. 'Squire Baxter sed
he'd voted the dimicratic ticket for goin on forty year, and the war was
a dam black republican lie. Jo. Stackpole, who kills hogs for the Squire,
and has got a powerful muscle into his arms, sed he'd bet 5 dollars he
could lick the Crisis in a fair stand-up fight, if he wouldn't draw a knife
on him. So it went--sum was for war, and sum was for peace. The
skoolmaster, however, sed the Slave Oligarky must cower at the feet of
the North ere a year had flowed by, or pass over his dead corpse. "Esto
perpetua!" he added! "And sine qua non also!" sed I, sternly, wishing to
make a impression onto the villagers. "Requiescat in pace!" sed the
skoolmaster, "Too troo, too troo!" I anserd, "it's a scanderlus fact!"
The newspapers got along at last, chock full of war, and the patriotic
fever fairly bust out in Baldinsville. 'Squire Baxter sed he didn't b'lieve
in Coercion, not one of 'em, and could prove by a file of "Eagles of
Liberty" in his garrit, that it was all a Whig lie, got up to raise the price

of whisky and destroy our other liberties. But the old 'Squire got putty
riley, when he heard how the rebels was cuttin up, and he sed he
reckoned he should skour up his old muskit and do a little square fitin
for the Old Flag, which had allers bin on the ticket HE'D voted, and he
was too old to Bolt now. The 'Squire is all right at heart, but it takes
longer for him to fill his venerable Biler with steam than it used to
when he was young and frisky. As I previously informed you, I am
Captin of the Baldinsville Company. I riz gradooally but majestically
from drummer's Secretary to my present position. But I found the ranks
wasn't full by no means, and commenced for to recroot. Havin notist a
gineral desire on the part of young men who are into the crisis to wear
eppylits, I detarmined to have my company composed excloosviely of
offissers, everybody to rank as Brigadeer-Ginral.