The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, part 2 | Page 6

profane oaths more'n onct,
but I hope I didn't do it, for I've promist she whose name shall be
nameless (except that her initials is Betsy J.) that I'll jine the Meetin
House at Baldinsville, jest as soon as I can scrape money enuff together
so I can 'ford to be piuss in good stile, like my welthy nabers. But if I'm
confisticated agin I'm fraid I shall continner on in my present benited
state for sum time.
I figgered conspicyusly in many thrillin scenes in my tower from
Montgomry to my humsted, and on sevril occasions I thought "the grate
komick paper" wouldn't be inriched no more with my lubrications.
Arter biddin adoo to Jefferson D. I started for the depot. I saw a nigger
sittin on a fence a playin on a banjo, "My Afrikan Brother," sed I,
coting from a Track I onct red, "you belong to a very interestin race.
Your masters is goin to war excloosively on your account."
"Yes, boss," he replied, "an' I wish 'em honorable graves!" and he went
on playin the banjo, larfin all over and openin his mouth wide enuff to
drive in an old-fashioned 2 wheeled chaise.
The train of cars in which I was to trust my wallerable life, was the
scaliest, rickytiest lookin lot of consarns that I ever saw on wheels afore.
"What time does this string of second-hand coffins leave?" I inquired of
the depot master. He sed direckly, and I went in & sot down. I hadn't
more'n fairly squatted afore a dark lookin man with a swinister
expression onto his countenance entered the cars, and lookin very sharp
at me, he axed what was my principles?
"Secesh!" I ansered. "I'm a Dissoluter. I'm in favor of Jeff Davis,
Bowregard, Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloobeard, Munro Edards, the devil,
Mrs. Cunningham and all the rest of 'em."
"You're in favor of the war?"

"Certingly. By all means. I'm in favor of this war and also of the next
war. I've been in favor of the next war for over sixteen years!"
"War to the knife!" sed the man.
"Blud, Eargo, Blud!" sed I, tho them words isn't orrigernal with me,
them words was rit by Shakspeare, who is ded. His mantle fell onto the
author of "The Seven Sisters," who's goin to hav a Spring overcoat
made out of it.
We got under way at larst, an' proceeded on our jerney at about the rate
of speed which is ginrally obsarved by properly-conducted funeral
processions. A hansum yung gal, with a red musketer bar on the back
side of her hed, and a sassy little black hat tipt over her forrerd, sot in
the seat with me. She wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her hat, and
she was a goin for to see her troo love, who had jined the Southern
army, all so bold and gay. So she told me. She was chilly and I offered
her my blanket.
"Father livin?" I axed.
"Yes, sir."
"Got any Uncles?"
"A heap. Uncle Thomas is ded, tho."
"Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes, and success to him! I will be your
Uncle Thomas! Lean on me, my pretty Secesher, and linger in Blissful
repose!" She slept as secoorly as in her own housen, and didn't disturb
the sollum stillness of the night with 'ary snore!
At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the cars and inquired if
"Old Wax Works" was on bored. That was the disrespectiv stile in
which they referred to me. "Becawz if Old Wax Works is on bored,"
sez a man with a face like a double-breasted lobster, "we're going to
hang Old Wax Works!"
"My illustrious and patriotic Bummers!" sez I, a gittin up and takin orf
my Shappo, "if you allude to A. Ward, it's my pleasin dooty to inform
you that he's ded. He saw the error of his ways at 15 minutes parst 2
yesterday, and stabbed hisself with a stuffed sled-stake, dyin in five
beautiful tabloos to slow moosic! His last words was: 'My perfeshernal
career is over! I jerk no more!'"
"And who be you?"
"I'm a stoodent in Senator Benjamin's law offiss. I'm going up North to
steal some spoons and things for the Southern Army."

This was satisfactory and the intossicated troopers went orf. At the next
station the pretty little Secessher awoke and sed she must git out there.
I bid her a kind adoo and giv her sum pervisions. "Accept my blessin
and this hunk of ginger bred!" I sed. She thankt me muchly and tript
galy away. There's considerable human nater in a man, and I'm afraid I
shall allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy if he cums to me in the
shape of a nice young gal.