The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, part 2 | Page 5

obsarved.
The Seseshers confisticated my statoots by smashin them to attums.
They then went to my money box and confisticated all the loose change
therein contaned. They then went and bust in my cages, lettin all the
animils loose, a small but helthy tiger among the rest. This tiger has a
excentric way of tearin dogs to peaces, and I allers sposed from his
gineral conduck that he'd hav no hesitashun in servin human beins in
the same way if he could get at them. Excuse me if I was crooil, but I
larfed boysterrusly when I see that tiger spring in among the people.
"Go it, my sweet cuss!" I inardly exclaimed. "I forgive you for bitin off
my left thum with all my heart! Rip 'em up like a bully tiger whose
Lare has bin inwaded by Seseshers!"
I can't say for certain that the tiger serisly injured any of them, but as he
was seen a few days after, sum miles distant, with a large and well
selected assortment of seats of trowsis in his mouth, and as he lookt as
tho he'd been havin sum vilent exercise, I rayther guess he did. You
will therefore perceive that they didn't confisticate him much.
I was carried to Montgomry in iuns and placed in durans vial. The jail
was a ornery edifiss, but the table was librally surplied with Bakin an
Cabbidge. This was a good variety, for when I didn't hanker after Bakin
I could help myself to the cabbige.
I had nobody to talk to nor nothin to talk about, howsever, and I was

very lonely, specially on the first day; so when the jailer parst my
lonely sell I put the few stray hairs on the back part of my hed (I'm bald
now, but thare was a time when I wore sweet auburn ringlets) into as
dish-hevild a state as possible, & rollin my eyes like a manyyuck, I
cride: "Stay, jaler, stay! I am not mad, but soon shall be if you don't
bring me suthin to Talk!" He brung me sum noospapers, for which I
thanked him kindly.
At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis, the President of the
Southern Conthieveracy. He was quite perlite, and axed me to sit down
and state my case. I did it, when he larfed and said his gallunt men had
been a little 2 enthoosiastic in confisticatin my show.
"Yes," sez I, "they confisticated me too muchly. I had sum hosses
confisticated in the same way onct, but the confisticaters air now
poundin stun in the States Prison in Injinnapylus."
"Wall, wall Mister Ward, you air at liberty to depart; you air friendly to
the South, I know. Even now we hav many frens in the North, who
sympathize with us, and won't mingle with this fight."
"J. Davis, there's your grate mistaik. Many of us was your sincere
frends, and thought certin parties amung us was fussin about you and
meddlin with your consarns intirely too much. But J. Davis, the minit
you fire a gun at the piece of dry- goods called the Star-Spangled
Banner, the North gits up and rises en massy, in defence of that banner.
Not agin you as individooals,--not agin the South even--but to save the
flag. We should indeed be weak in the knees, unsound in the heart,
milk-white in the liver, and soft in the hed, if we stood quietly by, and
saw this glorus Govyment smashed to pieces, either by a furrin or a
intestine foe. The gentle-harted mother hates to take her naughty child
across her knee, but she knows it is her dooty to do it. So we shall hate
to whip the naughty South, but we must do it if you don't make back
tracks at onct, and we shall wallup you out of your boots! J. Davis, it is
my decided opinion that the Sonny South is makin a egrejus
mutton-hed of herself!"
"Go on, sir, you're safe enuff. You're two small powder for me!" sed
the President of the Southern Conthieveracy.
"Wait till I go home and start out the Baldinsville Mounted Hoss
Cavalry! I'm Capting of that Corpse, I am, and J. Davis, beware!
Jefferson D., I now leave you! Farewell my gay Saler Boy! Good-bye,

my bold buccaneer! Pirut of the deep blue sea, adoo! adoo!"
My tower threw the Southern Conthieveracy on my way home was
thrillin enuff for yeller covers. It will form the subjeck of my next.
Betsy Jane and the projeny air well.
Yours respectively,
A. Ward.
2.2. THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE.
I had a narrer scape from the sonny South. "The swings and arrers of
outrajus fortin," alluded to by Hamlick, warn't nothin in comparison to
my trubles. I come pesky near swearin sum