The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, part 2 | Page 4

of Wales.
PART II. WAR.
2.1. THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED.
You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for these many dase gone
and past. Perchans you sposed I'd gone to the Tomb of the Cappylets,
tho I don't know what those is. It's a popler noospaper frase.
Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may here I've been among the
Seseshers, a earnin my daily peck by my legitimit perfeshun, and havn't
had no time to weeld my facile quill for "the Grate Komick paper," if
you'll allow me to kote from your troothful advertisement.
My success was skaly, and I likewise had a narrer scape of my life. If
what I've bin threw is "Suthren hosspitality," 'bout which we've hearn
so much, then I feel bound to obsarve that they made two much of me.
They was altogether two lavish with their attenshuns.
I went amung the Seseshers with no feelins of annermosity. I went in
my perfeshernal capacity. I was actooated by one of the most Loftiest
desires which can swell the human Buzzum, viz.:--to giv the peeple
their money's worth, by showin them Sagashus Beests, and Wax
Statoots, which I venter to say air onsurpast by any other statoots

anywheres. I will not call that man who sez my statoots is humbugs a
lier and a hoss thief, but bring him be4 me and I'll wither him with one
of my scornful frowns.
But to proseed with my tail. In my travels threw the Sonny South I
heared a heap of talk about Seceshon and bustin up the Union, but I
didn't think it mounted to nothin. The politicians in all the villages was
swearin that Old Abe (sometimes called the Prahayrie flower) shouldn't
never be noggerated. They also made fools of theirselves in varis ways,
but as they was used to that I didn't let it worry me much, and the Stars
and Stripes continued for to wave over my little tent. Moor over, I was
a Son of Malty and a member of several other Temperance Societies,
and my wife she was a Dawter of Malty, an I sposed these fax would
secoor me the infloonz and pertectiun of all the fust families. Alas! I
was dispinted. State arter State seseshed and it growed hotter and hotter
for the undersined. Things came to a climbmacks in a small town in
Alabamy, where I was premtorally ordered to haul down the Stars &
Stripes. A deppytashun of red-faced men cum up to the door of my tent
ware I was standin takin money (the arternoon exhibishun had
commenst, an' my Italyun organist was jerkin his sole-stirrin chimes.)
"We air cum, Sir," said a millingtary man in a cockt hat, "upon a hi and
holy mishun. The Southern Eagle is screamin threwout this sunny
land--proudly and defiantly screamin, Sir!"
"What's the matter with him?" sez I; "don't his vittles sit well on his
stummick?"
"That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream all over this Brite and
tremenjus land!"
"Wall, let him SCREAM. If your Eagle can amuse hisself by screamin,
let him went!" The men anoyed me, for I was Bizzy makin change.
"We are cum, Sir, upon a matter of dooty--"
"You're right, Capting. It's every man's dooty to visit my show," said I.
"We air cum--"
"And that's the reason you are here!" sez I, larfin one of my silvery larfs.
I thawt if he wanted to goak I'd giv him sum of my sparklin eppygrams.
"Sir, you're inserlent. The plain question is, will you haul down the
Star-Spangled Banner, and hist the Southern flag!"
"Nary hist!" Those was my reply.
"Your wax works and beests is then confisticated, & you air arrested as

a Spy!"
Sez I, "My fragrant roses of the Southern clime and Bloomin daffodils,
what's the price of whisky in this town, and how many cubic feet of
that seductive flooid can you individooally hold?"
They made no reply to that, but said my wax figgers was confisticated.
I axed them if that was ginerally the stile among thieves in that country,
to which they also made no reply, but said I was arrested as a Spy, and
must go to Montgomry in iuns. They was by this time jined by a large
crowd of other Southern patrits, who commenst hollerin "Hang the
baldheaded aberlitionist, and bust up his immoral exhibition!" I was
ceased and tied to a stump, and the crowd went for my tent--that
water-proof pavilion, wherein instruction and amoosment had been so
muchly combined, at 15 cents per head--and tore it all to pieces.
Meanwhile dirty- faced boys was throwin stuns and empty beer bottles
at my massiv brow, and takin other improper liberties with my person.
Resistance was useless, for a varity of reasons, as I readily