The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth | Page 8

functions of government into a machine for
grinding out patronage--she never sacrificed Uncle Sam for the sake of
what is in his tin-trunk. At this, which he was pleased to call an
expletive, he begun to summon his dignity: at once he stiffened in a
manner that proved how much superior to me he considered himself,
and how much more of Uncle Sam's shiners were necessary to his
conceived maintenance. 'Cape Cod is the place,' says he folding his
arms, moving to a more piquant position, giving his person a little more
importance, and making a target of the brightly polished stove, against
which he permitted a well-directed stream of dark fluid to explode ere
he wiped his lips.--'Cape Cod is the place from whence all persons
come who profess to be born free and equal; but they are a scrubby
set--' Considering it a duty I owed to the nation, I again interrupted him.
'Cape Cod,' replied I, 'has got gumption, principle, and the spirit of a

go-ahead in her: she germinated the Young American party.
Understand, citizen, (here I found spunk was necessary), a cape-coaster
can at any time boast a full fair of fish; if he draw them from Mr. John
Bull's waters, so much the better. He is no stranger to Mr. John Bull,
whom he esteems rather a dogged fellow, pugnaciously inclined at
times, but never so bad as he seems; and though stubbornly behind the
age of progress, nor willing to believe in the principles of manifest
destiny, often improves upon acquaintance.'
"'Good night, Mr. Smooth,' said he hurriedly; 'when you tie up for the
night--remember me--! Hope to see you bright in the morning.' Off,
like the handle of a jug, he went. And now it being time to stow myself
away, I hailed for a pilot to navigate me safe into the seventh story. My
fat friend at the counter, whose eyes were becoming leaden, rung again
the bell, and out scampered some dozen darkies from nobody could
discern where. I looked at the negroes with an expression of excitement,
and then, somewhat alarmed:--'Stranger,' says I, 'these 'ere niggers a'int
all going to put me through, be they?' He said he reckoned one would
do; and to a question as to what time I would complete the journey to
bed, he replied that seeing I was of the Young American stripe, and that
the distinguished of that party could do almost anything, provided I
started soon I would reach the destination about midnight. 'Now,
providing it's any accommodation, Mr. Smooth, we can send you to bed
by steam. Say the word and up you'll go!' he rapidly concluded, rapping
with his fingers on the big book he had so leisurely laid aside for the
night, there being no chance of another customer being caught this side
of twelve o'clock. I shook my head and moved off, telling him I did not
appreciate being busted up. 'Ain't a mite of danger!' says he: 'why,
stranger, we havn't killed more nor two dozen this year or more.' That
Young America was a go-ahead I was fully conscious; still, being
somewhat anxious to extend a little friendly advice to Gineral Pierce, I
begged to be excused from all dangers, Young America must live to
proclaim the manifest destiny of a universal republic. You may lay
aside your steam fixings until a more expedient time to use them--'Here
he interrupted by saying my walking up would only save six cents;--'
can put Mr. Smooth into the machine and send him up in a jiffy.
Further, we have got some dozen old gents here who go to bed by

steam every night!' I shook hands with the fellow, exchanged glances,
bid them good night all round, and trotted off, following the darky, who
wound his way round corridors, up stairs, and through passages for
more than an hour, (at least, I thought it was!), until I fancied we had
got lost in an interminable labyrinth of narrow passages. It was just
after inauguration, which fact was duly made known through the
medium of sundry corks of champagne bottles, which were sounding
pop! pop!! pop!!! Again merry voices were heard announcing the
misfortunes of those about to pass out: while another whose voice
seemed somewhat mellow, said he had in his eye the office he
wanted--exactly. A third voice, as if echoed through a subterranean
vault, said they must all be forbearing--the General was so undecided in
his opinions. Pretty soon, the negro, having wound his way high up in
the world, turned a corner, gave a tremendous guffaw, and opened the
door of a place that looked very much like a closet in which to stow
away lean lawyers. 'Now, Cuff! ye ain't goin to stow this citizen away