St. Patricks Day | Page 6

What must I do for this?
Flint. Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue's daughter:
help us to break his worship's bones, and carry off the girl, and you are
a made man.
_O'Con_. I'll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains! [Throws
away the purse.]
Flint. What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him.
_O'Con_. Nay, then, I'll try your armour for you. [Beats them.]
All. Oh! oh!--quarter! quarter!
[Exeunt CORPORAL FLINT and SOLDIERS.]
Just. [Coming forward.] Trim them, trounce them, break their bones,
honest Humphrey--What a spirit he has!

Rosy. Aquafortis. _O'Con_. Betray your master!
Rosy. What a miracle of fidelity!
Just. Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded--I'll give him sixpence on the
spot. Here, honest Humphrey, there's for yourself: as for this bribe,
[_takes up the purse_,] such trash is best in the hands of justice. Now,
then, doctor, I think I may trust him to guard the women: while he is
with them I may go out with safety.
Rosy. Doubtless you may--I'll answer for the lieutenant's behaviour
whilst honest Humphrey is with your daughter.
Just. Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along, honest
Humphrey. How rare it is to meet with such a servant! [Exeunt.]

SCENE II.--A Garden.
LAURETTA _discovered. Enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS and
LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.
Just. Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from the
house without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel
lieutenant to scale the walls and carry you off?
Lau. Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing.
Just. Why, hussy----
Lau. Well, then, I can't bear to be shut up all day so like a nun. I am
sure it is enough to make one wish to be run away with--and I wish I
was run away with--I do--and I wish the lieutenant knew it.
Just. You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I'll take pretty good care of
you. Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now you may
walk about the garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with you
wherever you go. So mind, honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go
abroad for a little while; let no one but yourself come near her; don't be
shame-faced, you booby, but keep close to her. And now, miss, let your

lieutenant or any of his crew come near you if they can. [Exit.]
Lau. How this booby stares after him! [Sits down and sings.]
_O'Con_. Lauretta!
Lau. Not so free, fellow! [Sings.]
_O'Con_. Lauretta! look on me.
Lau. Not so free, fellow!
_O'Con_. No recollection!
Lau. Honest Humphrey, be quiet.
_O'Con_. Have you forgot your faithful soldier?
Lau. Ah! Oh preserve me!
_O'Con_. 'Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father in this
disguise.
Lau. Well now, I declare this is charming--you are so disguised, my
dear lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am sure no one will
find you out, ha! ha! ha!--You know I am under your protection; papa
charged you to keep close to me.
_O'Con_. True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil----
Lau. O pray now, dear Humphrey----
_O'Con_. Nay, 'tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [Offers to kiss
her.]
_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS.
Just. Laury, my--hey! what the devil's here?

Lau. Well now, one kiss, and be quiet.
Just. Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don't let me-- pray
don't let me interrupt you!
Lau. Lud, papa! Now that's so good-natured--indeed there's no harm.
You did not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey?
_O'Con_. No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me.
Just. I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical scoundrel; and if
you don't take yourself out of my sight----
Lau. Indeed, papa, now I'll tell you how it was. I was sometime taken
with a sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to totter,
ran to my assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took me in his
arms.
Just. Oh! was that all--nothing but a little giddiness, hey!
_O'Con_. That's all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change
colour, I ran up instantly.
Just. Oh, 'twas very kind in you!
_O'Con_. And luckily recovered her.
Just. And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get out of
my sight, I say, this instant, or by all the statutes--
Lau. Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again!--Oh, help!
_O'Con_. O dear lady, she'll fall! [Takes her into his arms.]
Just. Zounds! what before my face--why then, thou miracle of
impudence!--[Lays hold of him and discovers him.]--Mercy on me, who
have we here?--Murder! Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers!
John! Susan! Bridget!

_O'Con_. Good sir, don't be alarmed; I mean you no harm.
Just. Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers!
_O'Con_. You know my love