St. Patricks Day | Page 7

for your daughter--
Just. Fire! Cut-throats!
_O'Con_. And that alone--
Just. Treason! Gunpowder!
Enter a SERVANT with a blunderbuss.
Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant.
Lau. O papa, you'll kill me!
Just. Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you please.
_O'Con_. Nay, sir, but hear me----
Just. I'll shoot.
_O'Con_. And you'll be convinced----
Just. I'll shoot.
_O'Con_. How injurious----
Just. I'll shoot--and so your very humble servant, honest Humphrey
Hum. [Exeunt separately.]

SCENE III.--A Walk.
Enter DOCTOR ROSY.
Rosy. Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of succeeding. Ah! I
warrant he is full of hope and fear, doubt and anxiety; truly he has the

fever of love strong upon him: faint, peevish, languishing all day, with
burning, restless nights. Ah! just my case when I pined for my poor
dear Dolly! when she used to have her daily colics, and her little doctor
be sent for. Then would I interpret the language of her pulse--declare
my own sufferings in my receipt for her--send her a pearl necklace in a
pill-box, or a cordial draught with an acrostic on the label. Well, those
days are over: no happiness lasting: all is vanity--now sunshine, now
cloudy--we are, as it were, king and beggar--then what avails----
Enter LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.
_O'Con_. O doctor! ruined and undone.
Rosy. The pride of beauty----
_O'Con_. I am discovered, and----
Rosy. The gaudy palace----
_O'Con_. The justice is----
Rosy. The pompous wig----
_O'Con_. Is more enraged than ever.
Rosy. The gilded cane----
_O'Con_. Why, doctor! [Slapping him on the shoulder.]
Rosy. Hey!
_O'Con_. Confound your morals! I tell you I am discovered,
discomfited, disappointed.
Rosy. Indeed! Good lack, good lack, to think of the instability of human
affairs! Nothing certain in this world--most deceived when most
confident--fools of fortune all.
_O'Con_. My dear doctor, I want at present a little practical wisdom. I

am resolved this instant to try the scheme we were going to put into
execution last week. I have the letter ready, and only want your
assistance to recover my ground.
Rosy. With all my heart--I'll warrant you I'll bear a part in it: but how
the deuce were you discovered?
_O'Con_. I'll tell you as we go; there's not a moment to be lost.
Rosy. Heaven send we succeed better!--but there's no knowing.
_O'Con_. Very true.
Rosy. We may and we may not.
_O'Con_. Right.
Rosy. Time must show.
_O'Con_. Certainly.
Rosy. We are but blind guessers.
_O'Con_. Nothing more.
Rosy. Thick-sighted mortals.
_O'Con_. Remarkably.
Rosy. Wandering in error.
_O'Con_. Even so.
Rosy. Futurity is dark.
_O'Con_. As a cellar.
Rosy. Men are moles.

[Exeunt LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR forcing out ROSY.]

SCENE IV.--A Room in JUSTICE CREDULOUS' House.
Enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS and MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.
Just. Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I tell you he
would have deceived a chief justice; the dog seemed as ignorant as my
clerk, and talked of honesty as if he had been a churchwarden.
_Mrs. Bri_. Pho! nonsense, honesty!--what had you to do, pray, with
honesty? A fine business you have made of it with your Humphrey
Hum: and miss, too, she must have been privy to it. Lauretta! ay, you
would have her called so; but for my part I never knew any good come
of giving girls these heathen Christian names: if you had called her
Deborrah, or Tabitha, or Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, nothing of this had
ever happened; but I always knew Lauretta was a runaway name.
Just. Psha, you're a fool!
_Mrs. Bri_. No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no one but
such a simpleton would be so imposed on.
Just. Why zounds, madam, how durst you talk so? If you have no
respect for your husband, I should think unus quorum might command
a little deference.
_Mrs. Bri_. Don't tell me!--Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be ashamed
to show your face at the sessions: you'll be a laughing-stock to the
whole bench, and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and
bag-wigged attorneys about town.
Just. Is this language for his majesty's representative? By the statutes,
it's high treason and petty treason, both at once!
Enter SERVANT.
Ser. A letter for your worship.

Just. Who brought it?
Ser. A soldier.
Just. Take it away and burn it.
_Mrs. Bri_. Stay!--Now you're in such a hurry--it is some canting
scrawl from the lieutenant, I suppose.--[_Takes the letter.-- Exit_
SERVANT.] Let me see:--ay, 'tis signed O'Connor.
Just. Well, come read it out.
_Mrs. Bri_. [Reads.] Revenge is sweet.
Just. It begins so, does it? I'm glad of that; I'll let the dog know I'm of
his opinion.
_Mrs. Bri_. [Reads.] _And though disappointed of my designs upon
your daughter, I have still the satisfaction of knowing