St. Patricks Day | Page 5

you is to watch the
motions of a rake-helly fellow here, one Lieutenant O'Connor.
Rosy. Ay, you don't value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey?
_O'Con_. Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you'll see they'll be as
much afraid of me as they would of their captain.
Just. And i'faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there!
_O'Con_. Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be glad of
a stouter: ha' you got such a thing in the house as an old coach-pole, or
a spare bed-post?

Just. Oons, what a dragon it is!--Well, Humphrey, come with me.--I'll
just show him to Bridget, doctor, and we'll agree.--Come along, honest
Humphrey. [Exit.]
_O'Con_. My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice presently
to the walk: I have a scheme to get into his confidence at once.
Rosy. I will, I will. [They shake hands.]
_Re-enter_ JUSTICE CREDULOUS.
Just. Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at?
Rosy. I was just giving him a little advice.--Well I must go for the
present.--Good-morning to your worship--you need not fear the
lieutenant while he is in your house.
Just. Well, get in, Humphrey. Good-morning to you, doctor.-- [Exit
DOCTOR ROSY.] Come along, Humphrey.--Now I think I am a match
for the lieutenant and all his gang. [Exeunt.]

ACT II.
SCENE I.--A Street.
Enter SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER and SOLDIERS.
Trounce. Come, silence your drum--there is no valour stirring to-day. I
thought St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to- day.
Sol. Mark, serjeant!
Enter two COUNTRYMEN.
Trounce. Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have the look of
gentlemen.--An't you single, my lads?
1 Coun. Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be all dead,
thank heavens, more or less. I have but one poor mother left in the

world, and she's an helpless woman.
Trounce. Indeed! a very extraordinary case--quite your own master
then--the fitter to serve his Majesty.--Can you read?
1 Coun. Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but John here
is main clever at it.
Trounce. So, what you're a scholar, friend?
2 Coun. I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school.
Trounce. Lucky man--in a campaign or two put yourself down chaplain
to the regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and heroes?
2 Coun. Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer, and the
Dragon of Wantly, and the--Noa, I believe that's all in the hero way,
except once about a comet.
Trounce. Wonderful knowledge!--Well, my heroes, I'll write word to
the king of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at the
Two Magpies.
Coun. We will, your honour, we will.
Trounce. But stay; for fear I shouldn't see you again in the crowd, clap
these little bits of ribbon into your hats.
1 Coun. Our hats are none of the best.
Trounce. Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I'll give you money to buy
new ones.
Coun. Bless your honour, thank your honour. [Exeunt.]
Trounce. [Winking at SOLDIERS.] Jack! [Exeunt SOLDIERS.]
Enter LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR.

So, here comes one would make a grenadier--Stop, friend, will you list?
_O'Con_. Who shall I serve under?
Trounce. Under me, to be sure.
_O'Con_. Isn't Lieutenant O'Connor your officer?
Trounce. He is, and I am commander over him.
_O'Con_. What! be your serjeants greater than your captains?
Trounce. To be sure we are; 'tis our business to keep them in order. For
instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or dear Trounce,
or dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if your lieutenant does
not demean himself accordingly, let me know.-- Yours, General
Deluge.
_O'Con_. And do you complain of him often?
Trounce. No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom, so I pass
over small things. But hark'ee, between ourselves, he is most
confoundedly given to wenching.
Enter CORPORAL FLINT.
Flint. Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with his
worship--We are all ready, and have our cues. [Exit.]
_O'Con_. Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear
Serjeant Trounce, take yourself away.
Trounce. Zounds! the lieutenant--I smell of the black hole already.
[Exit.]
Enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS and DOCTOR ROSY.
Just. I thought I saw some of the cut-throats.

Rosy. I fancy not; there's no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds life,
here comes some of them--we'll stay by these trees, and let them pass.
Just. Oh, the bloody-looking dogs!
[Walks aside with DOCTOR ROSY.] _Re-enter_ CORPORAL FLINT
and two SOLDIERS.
Flint. Halloa, friend! do you serve Justice Credulous?
_O'Con_. I do.
Flint. Are you rich?
_O'Con_. Noa.
Flint. Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here-- take it.
[Gives him a purse.]
_O'Con_.