St. Patricks Day | Page 4

Just. I have had a message from Doctor Rosy.
_Mrs. Bri_. He ordered abroad! He went abroad for his health.
Just. Why, Bridget!--
_Mrs. Bri_. Well, deary.--Now hold your tongue, miss.
Jus. A message from Dr. Rosy, and Dr. Rosy says--
Lau. I'm sure, mamma, his regimentals--
Just. Damn his regimentals!--Why don't you listen?
_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, girl, how durst you interrupt your papa?
Lau. Well, papa.

Just. Dr. Rosy says he'll bring--
Lau. Were blue turned up with red, mamma.
Just. Laury!--says he will bring the young man--
_Mrs. Bri_. Red! yellow, if you please, miss.
Just. Bridget!--the young man that is to be hired--
_Mrs. Bri_. Besides, miss, it is very unbecoming in you to want to have
the last word with your mamma; you should know--
Just. Why, zounds! will you hear me or no?
_Mrs. Bri_. I am listening, my love, I am listening!--But what signifies
my silence, what good is my not speaking a word, if this girl will
interrupt and let nobody speak but herself?--Ay, I don't wonder, my life,
at your impatience; your poor dear lips quiver to speak; but I suppose
she'll run on, and not let you put in a word.-- You may very well be
angry; there is nothing, sure, so provoking as a chattering, talking--
Lau. Nay, I'm sure, mamma, it is you will not let papa speak now.
_Mrs. Bri_. Why, you little provoking minx----
Just. Get out of the room directly, both of you--get out!
_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, go, girl.
Just. Go, Bridget, you are worse than she, you old hag. I wish you were
both up to the neck in the canal, to argue there till I took you out.
Enter SERVANT.
Ser. Doctor Rosy, sir
Just. Show him up. [Exit SERVANT.]

Lau. Then you own, mamma, it was a marching regiment?
_Mrs. Bri_. You're an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had been the
case----
Just. You won't go?
_Mrs. Bri_. We are going, Mr. Surly.--If that had been the case, I say,
how could----
Lau. Nay, mamma, one proof----
_Mrs. Bri_. How could Major----
Lau. And a full proof----
[JUSTICE CREDULOUS drives them off.]
Just. There they go, ding dong in for the day. Good lack! a fluent
tongue is the only thing a mother don't like her daughter to resemble
her in.
Enter DOCTOR ROSY.
Well, doctor, where's the lad--where's Trusty?
Rosy. At hand; he'll be here in a minute, I'll answer for't. He's such a
one as you an't met with,--brave as a lion, gentle as a saline draught.
Just. Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was corrupted by
the lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he, doctor?
Rosy. As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country. Egad, he'll
make the red coats keep their distance.
_Just._ O the villains; this is St. Patrick's day, and the rascals have been
parading my house all the morning. I know they have a design upon me;
but I have taken all precautions: I have magazines of arms, and if this
fellow does but prove faithful, I shall be more at ease.

Rosy. Doubtless he'll be a comfort to you.
_Re-enter_ SERVANT.
Ser. There is a man below, inquires for Doctor Rosy.
Rosy. Show him up.
Just. Hold! a little caution--how does he look?
Ser. A country-looking fellow, your worship.
Just. Oh, well, well, for Doctor Rosy; these rascals try all ways to get in
here.
Ser. Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning wanted
to speak to you; he said his name was Corporal Breakbones.
Just. Corporal Breakbones!
Ser. And Drummer Crackskull came again.
Just. Ay, did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew? Well,
show the lad in here! [Exit SERVANT.]
Rosy. Ay, he'll be your porter; he'll give the rogues an answer.
Enter LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR, disguised.
Just. So, a tall--Efacks! what! has lost an eye?
Rosy. Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen.
Just. He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other.
Rosy. Oh, no, he's bashful--a sheepish look----
Just. Well, my lad, what's your name?

_O'Con_. Humphrey Hum.
Just. Hum--I don't like Hum!
_O'Con_. But I be mostly called honest Humphrey----
Rosy. There, I told you so, of noted honesty.
Just. Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms, and
you are willing to serve, hey?
_O'Con_. And please your worship I shall be well content.
Just. Well, then, hark'ye, honest Humphrey,--you are sure now, you
will never be a rogue--never take a bribe hey, honest Humphrey?
_O'Con_. A bribe! what's that?
_Just._ A very ignorant fellow indeed!
Rosy. His worship hopes you will not part with your honesty for
money.
_O'Con_. Noa, noa.
Just. Well said, Humphrey--my chief business with