St. Patricks Day | Page 3

Bath and Bristol springs exceeded the originals.--Ah, poor Dolly!
she fell a martyr to her own discoveries.
_O'Con_. How so, pray?
Rosy. Poor soul! her illness was occasioned by her zeal in trying an
improvement on the Spa-water by an infusion of rum and acid.
_O'Con_. Ay, ay, spirits never agree with water-drinkers.
Rosy. No, no, you mistake. Rum agreed with her well enough; it was
not the rum that killed the poor dear creature, for she died of a dropsy.
Well, she is gone, never to return, and has left no pledge of our loves
behind. No little babe, to hang like a label round papa's neck. Well,
well, we are all mortal--sooner or later--flesh is grass-- flowers fade.
_O'Con_. [Aside.] Oh, the devil!--again!
Rosy. Life's a shadow--the world a stage--we strut an hour.
_O'Con_. Here, doctor. [Offers snuff.]
Rosy. True, true, my friend: well, high grief can't cure it. All's for the
best, hey! my little Alexander?
_O'Con_. Right, right; an apothecary should never be out of spirits. But
come, faith, 'tis time honest Humphrey should wait on the justice; that
must be our first scheme.
Rosy. True, true; you should be ready: the clothes are at my house, and
I have given you such a character, that he is impatient to have you: he
swears you shall be his body-guard. Well, I honour the army, or I
should never do so much to serve you.
_O'Con_. Indeed I am bound to you for ever, doctor; and when once

I'm possessed of my dear Lauretta, I will endeavour to make work for
you as fast as possible.
Rosy. Now you put me in mind of my poor wife again.
_O'Con_. Ah, pray forget her a little: we shall be too late.
Rosy. Poor Dolly!
_O'Con_. 'Tis past twelve.
Rosy. Inhuman dropsy!
_O'Con_. The justice will wait.
Rosy. Cropped in her prime!
_O'Con_. For heaven's sake, come!
Rosy. Well, flesh is grass.
_O'Con_. O, the devil!
Rosy. We must all die--
_O'Con_. Doctor!
Rosy. Kings, lords, and common whores--
[Exeunt LIEUTENANT O'CONNOR forcing Rosy off.]

SCENE II.--A Room in JUSTICE CREDULOUS' House.
Enter LAURETTA and MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS.
Lau. I repeat it again, mamma, officers are the prettiest men in the
world, and Lieutenant O'Connor is the prettiest officer I ever saw.
_Mrs. Bri_. For shame, Laura! how can you talk so?--or if you must

have a military man, there's Lieutenant Plow, or Captain Haycock, or
Major Dray, the brewer, are all your admirers; and though they are
peaceable, good kind of men, they have as large cockades, and become
scarlet, as well as the fighting folks.
Lau. Psha! you know, mamma, I hate militia officers; a set of dunghill
cocks with spurs on--heroes scratched off a church door-- clowns in
military masquerade, wearing the dress without supporting the
character. No, give me the bold upright youth, who makes love to- day,
and his head shot off to-morrow. Dear! to think how the sweet fellows
sleep on the ground, and fight in silk stockings and lace ruffles.
_Mrs. Bri_. Oh, barbarous! to want a husband that may wed you to-
day, and be sent the Lord knows where before night; then in a
twelvemonth perhaps to have him come like a Colossus, with one leg at
New York, and the other at Chelsea Hospital.
Lau. Then I'll be his crutch, mamma.
_Mrs. Bri_. No, give me a husband that knows where his limbs are,
though he want the use of them:--and if he should take you with him, to
sleep in a baggage-cart, and stroll about the camp like a gipsy, with a
knapsack and two children at your back; then, by way of entertainment
in the evening, to make a party with the serjeant's wife to drink bohea
tea, and play at all-fours on a drum-head:--'tis a precious life, to be
sure!
Lau. Nay, mamma, you shouldn't be against my lieutenant, for I heard
him say you were the best natured and best looking woman in the
world.
_Mrs. Bri_. Why, child, I never said but that Lieutenant O'Connor was
a very well-bred and discerning young man; 'tis your papa is so violent
against him.
Lau. Why, Cousin Sophy married an officer.
_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, Laura, an officer of the militia.

Lau. No, indeed, ma'am, a marching regiment.
_Mrs. Bri_. No, child, I tell you he was a major of militia.
Lau. Indeed, mamma, it wasn't.
Enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS.
Just. Bridget, my love, I have had a message.
Lau. It was cousin Sophy told me so.
Just. I have had a message, love--
_Mrs. Bri_. No, child, she would say no such thing.
Just. A message, I say.
Lau. How could he be in the militia when he was ordered abroad?
_Mrs. Bri_. Ay, girl, hold your tongue!--Well, my dear.