Songs of a Savoyard | Page 5

But still in learning vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very
model of a modern Major-Gineral!
Ballad: The Heavy Dragoon
If you want a receipt for that popular mystery,
Known to the world as
a Heavy Dragoon,
Take all the remarkable people in history,
Rattle
them off to a popular tune!
The pluck of LORD NELSON on board
of the VICTORY -
Genius of BISMARCK devising a plan;
The
humour of FIELDING (which sounds contradictory) -
Coolness of
PAGET about to trepan -
The grace of MOZART, that unparalleled
musico -
Wit of MACAULAY, who wrote of QUEEN ANNE -
The
pathos of PADDY, as rendered by BOUCICAULT -
Style of the
BISHOP OF SODOR AND MAN -
The dash of a D'ORSAY,
divested of quackery -
Narrative powers of DICKENS and
THACKERAY -
VICTOR EMMANUEL - peak-haunting PEVERIL
-
THOMAS AQUINAS, and DOCTOR SACHEVERELL -

TUPPER and TENNYSON - DANIEL DEFOE -
ANTHONY
TROLLOPE and MISTER GUIZOT!
Take of these elements all that
is fusible,
Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible,
Set 'em to
simmer and take off the scum,
And a Heavy Dragoon is the
residuum!
If you want a receipt for this soldierlike paragon,
Get at the wealth of
the CZAR (if you can) -
The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon
-
Force of MEPHISTO pronouncing a ban -
A smack of LORD

WATERFORD, reckless and rollicky -
Swagger of RODERICK,
heading his clan -
The keen penetration of PADDINGTON
POLLAKY -
Grace of an Odalisque on a divan -
The genius
strategic of CAESAR or HANNIBAL -
Skill of LORD WOLSELEY
in thrashing a cannibal -
Flavour of HAMLET - the STRANGER, a
touch of him -
Little of MANFRED (but not very much of him) -

Beadle of Burlington - RICHARDSON'S show -
MR. MICAWBER
and MADAME TUSSAUD!
Take of these elements all that is fusible
-
Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible -
Set 'em to simmer and
take off the scum,
And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum!
Ballad: Proper Pride
The Sun, whose rays
Are all ablaze
With ever-living glory,
Will
not deny
His majesty -
He scorns to tell a story:
He won't exclaim,

"I blush for shame,
So kindly be indulgent,"
But, fierce and bold,

In fiery gold,
He glories all effulgent!
I mean to rule the earth,
As he the sky -
We really know our worth,

The Sun and I!
Observe his flame,
That placid dame,
The Moon's Celestial
Highness;
There's not a trace
Upon her face
Of diffidence or
shyness:
She borrows light
That, through the night,
Mankind may
all acclaim her!
And, truth to tell,
She lights up well,
So I, for one,
don't blame her!
Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy;
We're very wide awake,


The Moon and I!
Ballad: The Policeman's Lot
When a felon's not engaged in his employment,
Or maturing his
felonious little plans,
His capacity for innocent enjoyment
Is just as
great as any honest man's.
Our feelings we with difficulty smother


When constabulary duty's to be done:
Ah, take one consideration with
another,
A policeman's lot is not a happy one!
When the enterprising burglar isn't burgling,
When the cut-throat isn't
occupied in crime,
He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling,
And
listen to the merry village chime.
When the coster's finished jumping
on his mother,
He loves to lie a-basking in the sun:
Ah, take one
consideration with another,
The policeman's lot is not a happy one!
Ballad: The Baffled Grumbler
Whene'er I poke
Sarcastic joke
Replete with malice spiteful,
The
people vile
Politely smile
And vote me quite delightful!
Now,
when a wight
Sits up all night
Ill-natured jokes devising,
And all
his wiles
Are met with smiles,
It's hard, there's no disguising!
Oh,
don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and nothing
goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing
whatever to grumble at!
When German bands,
From music stands
Play Wagner
imperFECTly -
I bid them go -
They don't say no,
But off they
trot directly!
The organ boys
They stop their noise
With readiness
surprising,
And grinning herds
Of hurdy-gurds
Retire apologising!

Oh, don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and
nothing goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing
whatever to grumble at!
I've offered gold,

In sums untold,
To all who'd contradict me -

I've said I'd pay
A pound a day
To any one who kicked me -
I've
bribed with toys
Great vulgar boys
To utter something spiteful,

But, bless you, no!
They WILL be so
Confoundedly politeful!
In
short, these aggravating lads,
They tickle my tastes, they feed my
fads,
They give me this and they give me that,
And I've nothing
whatever to grumble at!

Ballad: The House Of Peers
When Britain really ruled the waves -
(In good Queen Bess's time)

The House of Peers made no pretence
To intellectual eminence,
Or
scholarship sublime;
Yet Britain won her proudest bays
In good
Queen Bess's glorious days!
When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte,
As every child can tell,
The
House of Peers, throughout the war,
Did nothing in particular,
And
did it very well;
Yet Britain set the world ablaze
In good King
George's glorious days!
And while the House of Peers withholds
Its legislative hand,
And
noble statesmen do not itch
To interfere with matters which
They
do not understand,
As bright will shine Great Britain's rays,
As in
King George's glorious days!
Ballad: A Merry Madrigal
Brightly dawns our wedding day;
Joyous hour, we give thee greeting!

Whither, whither art thou