Scarborough and the Critic | Page 4

to-morrow.?Semp. I humbly thank your worship. [Exit.]?Lord Fop. Hark thee, shoemaker, these shoes aren't ugly,?but they don't fit me.?Shoe. My lord, I think they fit you very well.?Lord Fop. They hurt me just below the instep.?Shoe. [Feels his foot.] No, my lord, they don't?hurt you there.?Lord Fop. I tell thee they pinch me execrably.?Shoe. Why then, my lord, if those shoes pinch you, I'll be damned.?Lord Fop. Why, will thou undertake to persuade me I cannot feel??Shoe. Your lordship may please to feel what you think fit, but that shoe does not hurt you--I think I understand my trade. Lord Fop. Now, by all that's good and powerful, thou art?an incomprehensive coxcomb!--but thou makest good shoes, and so I'll bear with thee.?Shoe. My lord, I have worked for half the people of?quality in this town these twenty years, and 'tis very hard I shouldn't know when a shoe hurts, and when it don't.?Lord Fop. Well, pr'ythee be gone about thy business.--?[Exit SHOEMAKER.] Mr. Mendlegs, a word with you.--The?calves of these stockings are thickened a little too much; they make my legs look like a porter's.?Mend. My lord, methinks they look mighty well.?Lord Fop. Ay, but you are not so good a judge of those?things as I am--I have studied them all my life--therefore pray let the next be the thickness of a crown-piece less.?Mend. Indeed, my lord, they are the same kind I had the?honour to furnish your lordship with in town.?Lord Fop. Very possibly, Mr. Mendlegs; but that was in the beginning of the winter, and you should always remember, Mr. Hosier, that if you make a nobleman's spring legs as robust as his autumnal calves, you commit a monstrous impropriety, and make no allowance Tor the fatigues of the winter. [Exit--?MENDLEGS.]?Jewel. I hope, my lord, these buckles have had the?unspeakable satisfaction of being honoured with your lordship's approbation??Lord Fop. Why, they are of a pretty fancy; but don't you?think them rather of the smallest??Jewel. My lord, they could not well be larger, to keep on your lordship's shoe.?Lord Fop. My good sir, you forget that these matters are?not as they used to be; formerly, indeed, the buckle was a sort of machine, intended to keep on the shoe; but the case is now quite reversed, and the shoe is of no earthly use, but to keep on the buckle.--Now give me my watches [SERVANT _fetches the?watches_,] my chapeau, [SERVANT brings a dress hat,] my?handkerchief, [SERVANT _pours some scented liquor on a?handkerchief and brings it_,] my snuff-box [SERVANT _brings snuff-box_.] There, now the business of the morning is pretty well over. [Exit JEWELLER.]?Fash. [Aside to LORY.] Well, Lory, what dost think?on't?--a very friendly reception from a brother, after three years' absence!?Lory. [Aside to TOM FASHION.] Why, sir, 'tis your?own fault--here you have stood ever since you came in, and have not commended any one thing that belongs to him. [SERVANTS _all go off._]?Fash. [Aside to LORY.] Nor ever shall, while they?belong to a coxcomb.--[To LORD FOPPINGTON.] Now your?people of business are gone, brother, I hope I may obtain a quarter of an hour's audience of you??Lord Fop. Faith, Tam, I must beg you'll excuse me at this time, for I have an engagement which I would not break for the salvation of mankind.--Hey!--there!--is my carriage at the door? --You'll excuse me, brother. [Going.]?Fash. Shall you be back to dinner??Lord Fop. As Gad shall jedge me, I can't tell; for it is?passible I may dine with some friends at Donner's.?Fash. Shall I meet you there? For I must needs talk with?you.?Lord Fop. That I'm afraid mayn't be quite so praper; for?those I commonly eat with are people of nice conversation; and you know, Tam, your education has been a little at large.--But there are other ordinaries in town--very good beef ordinaries--I suppose, Tam, you can eat beef?--However, dear Tam, I'm glad to see thee in England, stap my vitals!?[Exit_, LA VAROLE _following.]?Fash. Hell and furies! is this to be borne??Lory. Faith, sir, I could almost have given him a knock o' the pate myself.?Fash. 'Tis enough; I will now show you the excess of my?passion, by being very calm.--Come, Lory, lay your loggerhead to mine, and, in cold blood, let us contrive his destruction.?Lory. Here comes a head, sir, would contrive it better?than both our loggerheads, if she would but join in the?confederacy.?Fash. By this light, Madam Coupler! she seems dissatisfied at something: let us observe her.?Enter MRS. COUPLER.?Mrs. Coup. So! I am likely to be well rewarded for my?services, truly; my suspicions, I find, were but too just.-- What! refuse to advance me a petty sum, when I am upon the point of making him master of a galleon! but let him look to the?consequences; an ungrateful, narrow-minded coxcomb.?Fash. So he is, upon my soul, old lady; it must