Punch, Or The London Charivari | Page 2

very flattering indeed." After she had gone, mother took it up,
and, to her horror, found what it was. She was furious. When I got
home in the afternoon, I found her in a state of what Dr. BAKER calls
"extreme nervous excitement," with the Meteor lying in little scraps all

over the drawing-room, just as if a paper-chase had been through there.
She said, "Don't let me ever see that infamous paper again, DICK. The
man who wrote it owes you some grudge, of course. Such a scoundrel
ought to be denounced." I said I quite agreed with her. Later on, met
VULLIAMY at the Club. We spoke about Billsbury. He asked me,
with a sort of chuckle, if I'd seen the _Star_, and advised me to have a
look at it, as there was something about me in it. This is what I found in
the column headed "Mainly About People":--
"Mr. RICHARD PATTLE, who is to be the Conservative Candidate for
Billsbury at the next election, is a young man of twenty-six. At Oxford
he was generally called 'PODGE PATTLE' by his friends He took a
fourth class in History. His oratorical efforts at the Union were not very
striking, but he rowed in his College Torpid, which was bumped four
times.
"Mr. PATTLE, as maybe inferred from his nickname, is neither tall nor
thin. He is a member of the Middle Temple, but his eloquence has not
yet astonished the Courts of Law. His father died five years ago,
leaving him a considerable fortune, part of which he proposes to waste
in the hopeless attempt to turn out Sir THOMAS CHUBSON."
Confound the people, I wish they'd mind their own business and leave
me alone!
March 17.--Haven't been down to Billsbury again yet, but go the day
after to-morrow to speak at a Mass Meeting of Conservative electors.
However, I've had shoals of letters from the place--nearly all of them
asking for subscriptions. The Five Bars Cricket Club, the Lilies Cricket
Club, the Buffaloes Cricket Club, and the Blue Horse Cricket Club
have all elected me a vice-president, and solicit the honour of my
support. The Billsbury Free Dispensary is much in want of funds, and
the Secretary points out that Sir THOMAS CHUBSON has subscribed
£5 regularly every year. The United Ironmongers' Friendly Society
wishes me to be an Honorary Member. CHUBSON subscribes £2 2s. to
them. The Billsbury Brass Band, and three Quoit Clubs (the game is
much played there) have elected me a member. The Secretary of the
former sent me a printed form, which I was to fill up, stating what

instrument I meant to play, and binding myself to attend at least one
Band practice every week. Three "cases of heartrending distress" have
appealed to me, "knowing the goodness of my heart." I shall have to
consult TOLLAND, or some one, about all this. I get the Meteor and
the Standard every day. The former goes on chaffing. Don't think
JERRAM, in the _Standard_, writes as smartly as the other chaps. Must
try to get him stirred up a bit. Just received letter from TOLLAND,
saying he wants to talk to me before meeting about "matters connected
with the Registration." More money, I suppose. Romeike, and all kinds
of Press-Cutting Associations, keep on sending me that extract from the
_Star_, till I'm fairly sick of it. They all want me to subscribe for
Press-Cuttings. See them blowed first.
* * * * *
WHAT IT MAY COME TO!
SCENE--_The Central Criminal Court. The usual Company assembled,
and the place wearing its customary aspect. "Standing room only"
everywhere, except in the Jury Box, which is empty. Prisoner at the
Bar_.
[Illustration]
Judge. This is most annoying! Owing to the refusal of the Jury to serve,
the time of the Bar, the Bench, and, I may even add, the prisoner, is
wasted! I really don't know what to do! Mr. TWENTYBOB, I think
you appear for the accused?
Counsel for the Defence. Yes, my Lord.
Judge (_with some hesitation_). Well, I do not for a moment presume
to dictate to you, but it certainly would get us out of a serious difficulty
if your client pleaded guilty. I suppose you have carefully considered
his case, and think it advisable that he should not withdraw his plea?
Counsel for the Defence. No, my Lord, I certainly cannot advise him to
throw up his defence. It is a serious--a deeply serious--matter for him. I

do not anticipate any difficulty in establishing his innocence before an
intelligent jury.
Judge. But we can't get a jury--intelligent or otherwise.
Counsel for the Defence. If no evidence is offered, my client should be
discharged.
Counsel for the Prosecution. I beg pardon, but I must set my friend
right. Evidence is offered in